In reference to last night's post, the reason I was so amazed at Microsoft's achievement is that I used to be quite addicted to video games. Or more specifically, computer games. I started playing computer games at a young age on my dad's computer. I started out with a turned-based StarTrek game, followed by Tetris, Wings of Fury, and Commander Keen. Somewhere in there I played Sonic the Hedgehog on a Sega Game Gear, but the game that I was most addicted to for a long time was SimCity 2000. Then it was SimTower, SimFarm, SimCity 3000, etc. etc. There were many more games I played for hours and hours per day.
In 2005, I spent the entire summer working 14 hours per week for the residence halls at college and playing computer games for nearly the rest of it. I played Freelancer and EVE Online 5-9 hours per day. These games were science fiction based, MMORPG space simulators. MMORPG stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. I played online with thousands of other players from all over the world, where I could chat with them and create my own complex reality inside the game.
None of it amounted to anything but some entertainment that helped pass the time. I remember sitting in that chair for hours being completely numbed and absorbed in the gaming experience. When I finally quit out of a game, my mind was totally numb and all desire had left me. I didn't feel like talking to others, eating, or using the bathroom, and much less like practicing my clarinet, cleaning my room, or doing anything constructive.
I kicked my addiction when Dawn and I got engaged in April 2006 . I am still tempted to fall back into that lifestyle, but there are too many things that matter to me more than games, especially Dawn. As amazing, interesting, and complex of a reality that computer games can offer, they will never be as real or fulfilling as the one God created for me. It was much harder to pursue that reality when computer games had created a conflicting one.
My advice to addicted gainers? Get out. Go cold turkey. Try to fill the void with something constructive and creative. Try to pick up on relationships that have gone out of contact. Start a blog, take up a cheap hobby, read, do something that will not numb your mind. Are some types of games better than others? Yes. Really simple, winnable single-player games and multiplayer games that depend on lots of player chatting are better than drawn-out, single player games. Even though contact with other players is good, the relationship established by this is still extremely superficial. They can not satisfy as well as real-life relationships can.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Networking
Today I watched the keynote address webcast from the 2007 International Consumer Electronic Show (CES) that occurred on January 7 in Las Vegas. The speaker? None other than Mr. Bill Gates. He demonstrated the new Microsoft Windows Vista (computer operating system) among other new technologies they were developing as part of their "new generation of connected experiences." I was interested to find that, among other goals, Vista is designed to help people get connected to one another better. It seemed so noble, until just a few short minutes later when they announced with pride that gamers world-wide had played 4 billion hours of Xbox Live since its release in 2002.
It seems to me that they are creating their own supply and demand, the thing every good monopoly should do. They provide more entertainment than is ever needed in a day, creating temptation to neglect relationships, optimize efficiency and productivity in the workplace, and justify it by providing the illusion of stronger connectedness. Ooo, they're good.
Of course, I wouldn't fall for such temptations. Nooooo... If you feel like getting me a belated birthday present, there's still time! Windows Vista comes out January 30th.
It seems to me that they are creating their own supply and demand, the thing every good monopoly should do. They provide more entertainment than is ever needed in a day, creating temptation to neglect relationships, optimize efficiency and productivity in the workplace, and justify it by providing the illusion of stronger connectedness. Ooo, they're good.
Of course, I wouldn't fall for such temptations. Nooooo... If you feel like getting me a belated birthday present, there's still time! Windows Vista comes out January 30th.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Small town living
I've been thinking lately that I would love to try living in a small town some day. By small town, I mean a town with only one or two commercial centers, grocery stores, high schools, a hand full of churches, and only one of any particular restaurant or store.
I suppose I want to live in a small town because I am tired of going to the same stores or restaurants every week and never seeing a familiar face. I'm tried of sitting behind a long line of cars on a congested street that is slowly being widened, though years too late. I'm tired of having to drive like I'm in a hurry, just because every one else is. I feel that I have to compete with them so I don't get taken advantage of.
I'm mostly tired of the lack of community and the depersonalization of our culture. I want to live in an area where community happens naturally and where I can't ignore the people I see every day, and they can't ignore me. I don't want to have friends at work who are different from friends at school who are different from friends at church who are different from friends by my home, with none of these people knowing one another.
Maybe I just miss the familiarity of Colorado and the people I know there. The metroplex still feels huge, even after five months.
I suppose I want to live in a small town because I am tired of going to the same stores or restaurants every week and never seeing a familiar face. I'm tried of sitting behind a long line of cars on a congested street that is slowly being widened, though years too late. I'm tired of having to drive like I'm in a hurry, just because every one else is. I feel that I have to compete with them so I don't get taken advantage of.
I'm mostly tired of the lack of community and the depersonalization of our culture. I want to live in an area where community happens naturally and where I can't ignore the people I see every day, and they can't ignore me. I don't want to have friends at work who are different from friends at school who are different from friends at church who are different from friends by my home, with none of these people knowing one another.
Maybe I just miss the familiarity of Colorado and the people I know there. The metroplex still feels huge, even after five months.
Monday, January 08, 2007
On blogging
Well, I'm back, with the goal of writing 7 days in a row, Monday through Sunday. My classes don't start until next Monday and I'm only taking 9 credit hours. Only two of those classes will require much effort outside of class. Because of this, I hope to get comfortable with writing regularly.
Blogging has been very difficult for me to keep up, and I have three theories of why this might be:
1. I think that instead of having a lack of topics to discuss, I really have an excess. My problem is that I think too fast about too many things at a time, so I have trouble focusing and making priorities in my mind. When I start on one topic, one-hundred others come to mind.
2. I have a slight perfectionist complex when it comes to writing. I don't want to write anything unless it can stand alone and be infallible. Most of the writing I learned to do in school was rhetorical, so I suppose this makes sense. I often feel I have to make a logical argument for why you should believe me, as though you wouldn't simply value my personal experience and not judge it.
3. I am a verbal processor. If there are experiences in my life or things that I am thinking, I prefer to discuss it with someone I'm close to. If it is important enough, I would just call you up and talk to you about it. You'll respond instantly that way and I usually can make more sense of the situation with your feedback. Since I expect only people who know me in person to read this blog, why should I waste time writing?
Now here are some observations in response:
1. Having too many things to write about is a good thing. I'll start writing them down and saving them for later. All I needed before was time, and I expect to have that this semester for the first time in a long time. Priorities don't matter - I'll talk about anything I want, any time I want. It won't matter to you, the reader, you just care that I write. I mean, c'mon. Its my blog.
2. It is not going to be perfect. You won't always be impressed with my writing, but your standards are pretty low at this point. You're thinking, "Something is better than nothing," right? I can talk about the reality that I live in and I don't have to back up all of my theories. You're not here to judge me.
3. Writing my thoughts down is much better for you because you can read them on your own time, at your own pace. I can still process my thoughts by getting them outside, and you might even leave comments other than, "We miss you!" "Thanks for writing!" "Very interesting post!" and "Good for you, Justin!"
Finally, it is important to try to live in my heart again, now that I have some free time. Thanks for reading. Wish me luck this week, and I'll see you tomorrow.
Blogging has been very difficult for me to keep up, and I have three theories of why this might be:
1. I think that instead of having a lack of topics to discuss, I really have an excess. My problem is that I think too fast about too many things at a time, so I have trouble focusing and making priorities in my mind. When I start on one topic, one-hundred others come to mind.
2. I have a slight perfectionist complex when it comes to writing. I don't want to write anything unless it can stand alone and be infallible. Most of the writing I learned to do in school was rhetorical, so I suppose this makes sense. I often feel I have to make a logical argument for why you should believe me, as though you wouldn't simply value my personal experience and not judge it.
3. I am a verbal processor. If there are experiences in my life or things that I am thinking, I prefer to discuss it with someone I'm close to. If it is important enough, I would just call you up and talk to you about it. You'll respond instantly that way and I usually can make more sense of the situation with your feedback. Since I expect only people who know me in person to read this blog, why should I waste time writing?
Now here are some observations in response:
1. Having too many things to write about is a good thing. I'll start writing them down and saving them for later. All I needed before was time, and I expect to have that this semester for the first time in a long time. Priorities don't matter - I'll talk about anything I want, any time I want. It won't matter to you, the reader, you just care that I write. I mean, c'mon. Its my blog.
2. It is not going to be perfect. You won't always be impressed with my writing, but your standards are pretty low at this point. You're thinking, "Something is better than nothing," right? I can talk about the reality that I live in and I don't have to back up all of my theories. You're not here to judge me.
3. Writing my thoughts down is much better for you because you can read them on your own time, at your own pace. I can still process my thoughts by getting them outside, and you might even leave comments other than, "We miss you!" "Thanks for writing!" "Very interesting post!" and "Good for you, Justin!"
Finally, it is important to try to live in my heart again, now that I have some free time. Thanks for reading. Wish me luck this week, and I'll see you tomorrow.
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Village Church
Forward: I cut off my beard last week. I couldn't decide if I looked younger or just fatter. Don't worry, though, it's back in full force already.I started to write about the differences that I could tell between my experiences in Colorado and those in Texas so far. I stopped short because I realized that (a) I didn't have enough experience here to really make fair judgments (b) any negative judgments that I would make about Texas would be due to the fact that I miss home, and (c) because I wouldn't be getting to the root of my heart on any of those matters.
The big news lately is that we are now full covenant members of The Village Church of Highland Village, TX. This is as surprising to Dawn and I as it is to you. The process was actually easier than I expected: we signed up for the membership classes, had one Saturday morning and three Wednesday night classes, had Dawn baptized (a very cool but nerve-racking experience for her), and we were in! We were already members of a homegroup, which was also a requirement.
This has been a huge answer to prayer for us because we had experienced some disillusionment with America's modern churches which were either growth oriented, fragmented, superficial, ADHD-friendly entertainment centers that were trying to be relevant in today's culture OR mission-based, manipulative, invulnerable, gospel-selling crusaders for Christ who were trying to be relevant in today's culture. Dawn and I both left these institutions hurt and confused about how it is that the body of Christ could look like that. When we arrived in Texas, we didn't expect to find a church that we'd want to attend for a long time.
The Village was the first church we visited here in Texas. It is technically a mega church, with over 3000 in attendance on the weekends. The lead pastor, who I think is only 34 years old, is an enthusiastic, raw, authentic, grace-of-the-Gospel teacher who is critical of the modern American church and believes that the Gospel is not to be sold, legislated, or wrapped up into easy steps for life transformation. Instead, He believes that the success of a church is not to be measured in numbers or in fame or in relevance to popular culture, but in its authentic community, involvement, and service to the needy. Dawn was baptized by the membership pastor - this guy just has a really warm, inviting heart that he bears often. He is gifted with an incredible memory and remembered our names from the first day he met us. His teaching is also really solid and he mostly makes this church seem much smaller and more connected.
We found a homegroup of young married couples and have gotten to know the leaders, Shane and Ashley (yes, Shane is attempting to chew on Ashley's head), who have been really great friends. They call us, want to hang out with us, and are interested in our lives. They've even come to both of my Symphonic Band concerts so far. This was something that we struggled to find from our friends in the past. Its been a huge answer to prayer and a healing process for Dawn and I over the past three months.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Oh yeah, the blog!
Well, I haven't blogged in six months, eh? Noooooo problem. Piece of cake. Ahem.
I think most of you who check this blog already know me and are in contact with me, but here's a pictorial update on the last six months.
I graduated from CU on May 11 and 12 with my Bachelor of Music in Clarinet Performance. You can watch this video that I took of the graduation procession into Folsom Field, though it'll take a while to load. (mov format, 17 MB)
A couple of weeks later I found out that I couldn't go to Thailand because they don't let people who are engaged or people who have been married for less than a year to go on their trips. This particular organization shall remain nameless. Anyway, I don't have any hard feelings, the engagement was short enough as it was. I did, however, get a free t-shirt and water bottle out of the deal.
The next three months were very busy and very sweet, since I got to spend lots of time with Dawn. I found a job at a shady locksmith company owned by a bunch of Israelis and stayed seven weeks.
The wedding was hard to plan and it took lots of time and cooperation, but we pulled it off! We had lots of great friends and family, including my dad's family from Springfield, IL. It was awesome to see them. My dad and sister lead worship for the wedding which was held outside at Hudson Gardens in Littleton, CO at 10:30am on July 29th. It was probably 100 degrees outside by the time the ceremony was over.
I enjoyed the reception and I think most people were entertained. Dawn looked absolutely amazing in her dress.
We then drove to Vail and checked in at Eagle Point Resort, which was a very comfortable time share my dad provided for us off the beaten path of tourism in Vail. The weather was beautiful and we had an amazing time. We ate dinner out every night, went to Ford Park to picnic, went hiking, and mostly slept in every day.
We returned a week later and moved to Denton, TX, which is just outside Dallas.
We got settled into our 530 square-foot apartment after a week and Dawn began looking for jobs while I prepared for my chair placement audition. After a total of 16 applications turned in for teaching jobs in the area, Dawn was only called back for one, and was not offered the position. She is now working as a substitute teacher at all levels, though mostly middle school, in two school districts in the area. Our hope is that she'll get her foot in the door and go from there. She is doing a great job with it, though it has been a growth process for her, to say the least.
I started school at the University of North Texas on August 28th with a full load - 17 credit hours. I am going for my Master of Music Education degree and my teacher's certification, which totals more than 70 credit hours.
It would only be 38, but I haven't had any education classes yet, so I'm having to take them now. On top of that I am teaching four clarinet students and getting plugged into a local church.
It has been quite stressful getting used to marriage with Dawn, living farther away from family and friends than ever before, taking 17 credit hours worth of classes at an unfamiliar school, and living truly on my own for the first time. It will take a while yet to get used to my surroundings, but I believe that we'll thrive after the adjustment period is over.
That's all I can write for now, but I plan to write on these topics in the near future:
- Our membership in The Village Church
- Differences between Colorado and Texas
- My reflections so far on the field of Music Education
- Why I can't be God to Dawn and visa-versa
- I hate libraries (not a topic, I just hate them, but really...this is a topic I could write about)
- How marriage is changing my life
- Living in my heart means needing free time
I think most of you who check this blog already know me and are in contact with me, but here's a pictorial update on the last six months.
I graduated from CU on May 11 and 12 with my Bachelor of Music in Clarinet Performance. You can watch this video that I took of the graduation procession into Folsom Field, though it'll take a while to load. (mov format, 17 MB)A couple of weeks later I found out that I couldn't go to Thailand because they don't let people who are engaged or people who have been married for less than a year to go on their trips. This particular organization shall remain nameless. Anyway, I don't have any hard feelings, the engagement was short enough as it was. I did, however, get a free t-shirt and water bottle out of the deal.
The next three months were very busy and very sweet, since I got to spend lots of time with Dawn. I found a job at a shady locksmith company owned by a bunch of Israelis and stayed seven weeks.
The wedding was hard to plan and it took lots of time and cooperation, but we pulled it off! We had lots of great friends and family, including my dad's family from Springfield, IL. It was awesome to see them. My dad and sister lead worship for the wedding which was held outside at Hudson Gardens in Littleton, CO at 10:30am on July 29th. It was probably 100 degrees outside by the time the ceremony was over.
I enjoyed the reception and I think most people were entertained. Dawn looked absolutely amazing in her dress.We then drove to Vail and checked in at Eagle Point Resort, which was a very comfortable time share my dad provided for us off the beaten path of tourism in Vail. The weather was beautiful and we had an amazing time. We ate dinner out every night, went to Ford Park to picnic, went hiking, and mostly slept in every day.
We returned a week later and moved to Denton, TX, which is just outside Dallas.
We got settled into our 530 square-foot apartment after a week and Dawn began looking for jobs while I prepared for my chair placement audition. After a total of 16 applications turned in for teaching jobs in the area, Dawn was only called back for one, and was not offered the position. She is now working as a substitute teacher at all levels, though mostly middle school, in two school districts in the area. Our hope is that she'll get her foot in the door and go from there. She is doing a great job with it, though it has been a growth process for her, to say the least.I started school at the University of North Texas on August 28th with a full load - 17 credit hours. I am going for my Master of Music Education degree and my teacher's certification, which totals more than 70 credit hours.
It would only be 38, but I haven't had any education classes yet, so I'm having to take them now. On top of that I am teaching four clarinet students and getting plugged into a local church.It has been quite stressful getting used to marriage with Dawn, living farther away from family and friends than ever before, taking 17 credit hours worth of classes at an unfamiliar school, and living truly on my own for the first time. It will take a while yet to get used to my surroundings, but I believe that we'll thrive after the adjustment period is over.
That's all I can write for now, but I plan to write on these topics in the near future:
- Our membership in The Village Church
- Differences between Colorado and Texas
- My reflections so far on the field of Music Education
- Why I can't be God to Dawn and visa-versa
- I hate libraries (not a topic, I just hate them, but really...this is a topic I could write about)
- How marriage is changing my life
- Living in my heart means needing free time
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I'm getting married!
Well, folks, I'm engaged! This is Dawn M. Moody, the woman I've been dating for most of 2 1/2 years this past Sunday. I began to feel very strongly motivated by God to ask Dawn to marry me several weeks ago, so I went ahead and bought the ring and then waited for the right moment.After attending a concert on campus, we walked over to Sewall Hall, which is where we first started talking about being together. I found some things that Dawn had said to me years ago that I saved and read it to her. These were things that were extremely encouraging and very much from God. Then I read the things I wrote down about what I love about her, got down on my right knee, and gave her the ring. She cried tears of joy. And the ring fits!
It is a relief to be able to talk about the subject of marriage with her and to start making plans. We are hoping for a wedding in August or December. We will need to rely on God's provision and let our hearts be flexible and open to be molded by God. Will you pray for us?Otherwise, we plan to move to Texas in July or August to pursue teaching careers - she would teach high school English and history, and I would teach high school band after getting my master's degree. I couldn't be more excited! God has given me some amazing gifts lately. I owe Him everything that I have.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Southeast Asia
Hey hey! Here is my team which will be going to Southeast Asia this summer for six weeks. From left to right: Stefan, Becca, Juli, Kristin, and Justin (me). I am very excited. So far the contributions have been steady, but I have a long way to go. If you think of it, pray for me. Pray that God will bless our group, that we'll come closer together and learn to trust eachother more and more. Help us to be honest about our weaknesses and to step into our strengths. We are having a great time so far but the most challenging parts are yet to come. Keep up with us at http://cstonealpha.blogspot.com.
I hope to write more soon, I've just been very pre-occupied. Thanks for checking back with me!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
I'm WAITING
Well, I think God is working. He seems to be teaching me things that I never thought I'd learn. He's helped me complete seven applications in three months, including nineteen recommendation requests, six transcript requests, five auditions, four interviews, and two trips out of state by myself. These are all things I never thought I could do. Especially the thought of ever going to Texas. :-)
God is teaching me to wait for His timing and blessing. I am waiting on God and time seems to be moving very slowly. I am feeling the world's influence: "Why would you wait, contrary to your own will, for someone whom you can't prove exists? Why would you decide not to make specific plans just so you can hear from Him? How will you even know if it was God?"
I hate that crap. I am convinced that waiting on God's will - on his green or red lights - is an extreme test of faith. I am not confused about which road I want to take, I just don't feel God's approval. I certainly don't feel His disapproval either, though. Perhaps His voice in this matter may be found in God's word. Any advice, oh reader?
God is teaching me to wait for His timing and blessing. I am waiting on God and time seems to be moving very slowly. I am feeling the world's influence: "Why would you wait, contrary to your own will, for someone whom you can't prove exists? Why would you decide not to make specific plans just so you can hear from Him? How will you even know if it was God?"
I hate that crap. I am convinced that waiting on God's will - on his green or red lights - is an extreme test of faith. I am not confused about which road I want to take, I just don't feel God's approval. I certainly don't feel His disapproval either, though. Perhaps His voice in this matter may be found in God's word. Any advice, oh reader?
Support Letter
Dear reader,
How have you been? I am doing fantastically because I’m enjoying my last spring break of my undergraduate career. I plan to graduate from the University of Colorado at Boulder with a bachelor’s degree in music on May 12, 2006. During my time here at CU, God has taught me more than I could have ever imagined. Still, I believe I am only starting to see the fullness of who God is and His plan for my life. He’s provided the chance for me to attend graduate school in the fall, where I hope to pursue a master’s degree in music education. My choices have now been narrowed to two places: University of North Texas and University of Northern Colorado.
Before I take this next big step in my life, I feel God’s desire to begin teaching me something very significant: His love for every person around the world. I belong to the College Ministries at Cornerstone Church of Boulder Valley where I learned about the chance to spend six weeks this summer in Southeast Asia. I will be on a team with four other college students from Cornerstone Church. We plan to teach English, learn some of the local language and customs, and most importantly share and demonstrate Christ’s love for the people we meet.
I am writing mainly because I need your help in getting to Southeast Asia. The expenses for the trip, including orientation, airfare, housing and food, total $3500. You can help in two ways. First, you could pray for me before, during, and after my trip. Pray because it is God that determines if I go on this trip at all; its success is in His hands. Second, you may send money to help cover the cost. Please prayerfully consider supporting me in one or both of these ways. I understand that you may often receive several requests of this kind, so please give if you feel led out of a cheerful heart, not out of guilt.
If you decide to send money, could you let me know by May 5? The trip is from June 5 – July 15, 2006, so that will give me enough time to have my finances squared away. You may make out your check to Cornerstone Church and follow the instructions on the enclosed card. Any gift you make is tax deductible. You can also stay updated with what is going on this summer by visiting the blog we have set up for our trip: http://cstonealpha.blogspot.com.
Thanks, reader, for taking the time to read my letter and thanks for caring for me. I hope we get the chance to talk again soon. Have a great spring!
Sincerely,
Justin
- Since you don't have the whole package, send me an email at justin.mathis@colorado.edu if you want to contribute. I'll give you the address you can send your check to, etc. God bless!
How have you been? I am doing fantastically because I’m enjoying my last spring break of my undergraduate career. I plan to graduate from the University of Colorado at Boulder with a bachelor’s degree in music on May 12, 2006. During my time here at CU, God has taught me more than I could have ever imagined. Still, I believe I am only starting to see the fullness of who God is and His plan for my life. He’s provided the chance for me to attend graduate school in the fall, where I hope to pursue a master’s degree in music education. My choices have now been narrowed to two places: University of North Texas and University of Northern Colorado.
Before I take this next big step in my life, I feel God’s desire to begin teaching me something very significant: His love for every person around the world. I belong to the College Ministries at Cornerstone Church of Boulder Valley where I learned about the chance to spend six weeks this summer in Southeast Asia. I will be on a team with four other college students from Cornerstone Church. We plan to teach English, learn some of the local language and customs, and most importantly share and demonstrate Christ’s love for the people we meet.
I am writing mainly because I need your help in getting to Southeast Asia. The expenses for the trip, including orientation, airfare, housing and food, total $3500. You can help in two ways. First, you could pray for me before, during, and after my trip. Pray because it is God that determines if I go on this trip at all; its success is in His hands. Second, you may send money to help cover the cost. Please prayerfully consider supporting me in one or both of these ways. I understand that you may often receive several requests of this kind, so please give if you feel led out of a cheerful heart, not out of guilt.
If you decide to send money, could you let me know by May 5? The trip is from June 5 – July 15, 2006, so that will give me enough time to have my finances squared away. You may make out your check to Cornerstone Church and follow the instructions on the enclosed card. Any gift you make is tax deductible. You can also stay updated with what is going on this summer by visiting the blog we have set up for our trip: http://cstonealpha.blogspot.com.
Thanks, reader, for taking the time to read my letter and thanks for caring for me. I hope we get the chance to talk again soon. Have a great spring!
Sincerely,
Justin
- Since you don't have the whole package, send me an email at justin.mathis@colorado.edu if you want to contribute. I'll give you the address you can send your check to, etc. God bless!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
It's All About Me
I am becoming aware of the fact that I am very self-centered and selfish much of the time. I tend to look out for my own interests and believe that my time is more important than anyone else's. I can't tell if I've been this way all along and God is just now bring it to my attention or if maybe it is getting worse.
My mother recently wrote about narcissism being manifested in two ways - overt and covert:
So I have let myself become more overtly selfish. I have stopped giving my time away lavishly to those who want it. I seem much less willing to give it away to God, that's for sure. I've also stopped reserving judgment and am again engaged in a battle to prove myself right all of the time. Other than God, this affects my parents, my residents, my staff, and my friends.
I have become that college senior that I despised when I was a freshman and sophomore. The seniors I knew at that time were totally self-absorbed as if they were the most important beings ever. They stopped investing in people because they were going to graduate and had a big, bright future ahead of them. It was all they seemed to think about. Their lives were exciting and they let everyone know it.
I don't want to be that way. I realize that I have many options for my future and that the possibilities seem endless. But I am hearing from God to wait on his timing and provision. The future is all about Him anyway, and He is making me wait. Part of waiting is breaking the tunnel vision that I've acquired and throwing off my selfish ambitions for what He would have me do now, today. He's got the future under control. God is God and I am not. I pray He continues to hit me over the head with this one.
My mother recently wrote about narcissism being manifested in two ways - overt and covert:
There are those who construct a reality in which they are exalted at the center, and then there are those who construct a reality which ensures they are completely insignificant. Both are narcissistic. . .The deflated self has a sense of entitlement as well. The entitlement of reciprocity. They (we) have a complicated scheme for getting our needs and wants met, but they must be met indirectly. Asking for what we need, taking responsibility for our wants, is the ultimate shame. Instead we have a list of good behaviors that should merit attention. Subtle needy actions to arouse compassion.While I usually can ask for what I need without much shame, the sense of entitlement is there. I think that most of the "selfless" acts that I've done for others were always and attempt to get others' attention, compassion and interest in me. As a result, I have put off doing most of those things because I realize that it almost never produces the expected returns.
So I have let myself become more overtly selfish. I have stopped giving my time away lavishly to those who want it. I seem much less willing to give it away to God, that's for sure. I've also stopped reserving judgment and am again engaged in a battle to prove myself right all of the time. Other than God, this affects my parents, my residents, my staff, and my friends.
I have become that college senior that I despised when I was a freshman and sophomore. The seniors I knew at that time were totally self-absorbed as if they were the most important beings ever. They stopped investing in people because they were going to graduate and had a big, bright future ahead of them. It was all they seemed to think about. Their lives were exciting and they let everyone know it.
I don't want to be that way. I realize that I have many options for my future and that the possibilities seem endless. But I am hearing from God to wait on his timing and provision. The future is all about Him anyway, and He is making me wait. Part of waiting is breaking the tunnel vision that I've acquired and throwing off my selfish ambitions for what He would have me do now, today. He's got the future under control. God is God and I am not. I pray He continues to hit me over the head with this one.
Monday, February 20, 2006
In the Name of Jesus 2
I've been reading more In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen. In his second chapter, he touched on what I think is an essential element in Christian leadership:
First, it hits on the kind of class system within the Church. A significant leader in my life commented on his perfect church as not having such a distinction between the leaders and the followers. If ministry is mutual, then there are no one-way relationships.
I had a type of one-way relationship with my direct teacher/mentor in Crusade for two years. We used to meet for lunch and go over various Crusade follow-ups and ideas that I needed to know in order to share with those whom I was discipling. He also would ask me about my week, how my small group was going (which I led), what God had been teaching me, and about my struggles. I would disclose and he would encourage me and attempt to speak truth.
In some ways, I was expected to pour myself out to him, but he almost never did the same in return. He probably thought he was being a selfless leader, but instead his heart was veiled and I felt alone in my struggles. If he were really selfless, however, he would have made real sacrifices. It would have been a greater sacrifice for him to share his heart and admit his faults and brokenness (which I believe everyone has in some form) than for him to sit and sympathize with mine. I ended up feeling alone and powerless.
My teacher/mentor in Crusade held all of the power in our relationship. He knew everything about me and used that knowledge to get me to do what he wanted, although this was very subtle. I didn't realize he was doing this until I began to strongly disagree with him. He used his knowledge of my weaknesses to disqualify my opinion in the matter. It was so subtle that I actually agreed with his assessment at the time. When I was asked to leave leadership because of our continued difference of opinion, I found out just how much he and the Crusade leadership didn't need me.
True ministry must be mutual. When the members of a community of faith cannot truly know and love their shepherd, shepherding quickly becomes a subtle way of exercising power over others and begins to show authoritarian and dictatorial traits. . . [Christian leadership] is a servant leadership. . . in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader.I think this quote hits on some big issues.
First, it hits on the kind of class system within the Church. A significant leader in my life commented on his perfect church as not having such a distinction between the leaders and the followers. If ministry is mutual, then there are no one-way relationships.
I had a type of one-way relationship with my direct teacher/mentor in Crusade for two years. We used to meet for lunch and go over various Crusade follow-ups and ideas that I needed to know in order to share with those whom I was discipling. He also would ask me about my week, how my small group was going (which I led), what God had been teaching me, and about my struggles. I would disclose and he would encourage me and attempt to speak truth.
In some ways, I was expected to pour myself out to him, but he almost never did the same in return. He probably thought he was being a selfless leader, but instead his heart was veiled and I felt alone in my struggles. If he were really selfless, however, he would have made real sacrifices. It would have been a greater sacrifice for him to share his heart and admit his faults and brokenness (which I believe everyone has in some form) than for him to sit and sympathize with mine. I ended up feeling alone and powerless.
My teacher/mentor in Crusade held all of the power in our relationship. He knew everything about me and used that knowledge to get me to do what he wanted, although this was very subtle. I didn't realize he was doing this until I began to strongly disagree with him. He used his knowledge of my weaknesses to disqualify my opinion in the matter. It was so subtle that I actually agreed with his assessment at the time. When I was asked to leave leadership because of our continued difference of opinion, I found out just how much he and the Crusade leadership didn't need me.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Am I alone?
Two posts in a day. Watchyaself! These topics were different enough to justify separation.
Lately, I've thought about how easy it is to feel like I am the only one who struggles with certain things. Though, I developed a way of keeping myself from isolation in my struggles that dates back to my high school leadership camp experience. This was the first time I heard, "if you're weird, they're weird." It is a simple expression, but to be honest, it brings the whole world together. I mean that if I am insecure about something, then it is likely that someone else shares that insecurity, and so on.
Dawn and I (I hope this is ok to share, Dawn) have been feeling alone in the struggle for purity in our relationship. We can't think of a single couple that seems to struggle with this, and if they are struggling, they don't seem to let on how difficult it is. I mean, when we have victories, people are happy for us. But not in the "you-did-what-you-should-have-done" way. It's more in the "that's-amazing, I-don't-think-I-could-have-done-that-and-I-don't-know-anyone-else-who-could" sort of way. So instead of talking about how our effort is worth it, they isolate us by saying that we are quite odd for fighting this hard.
In fact, I know many Christians who have given in to these kinds of temptation and seem to have "gotten away with it." They screwed up, felt some shame and sorrow, repented and received forgiveness, or not, and seem to be doing just fine. Sometimes I envy those who can really "hide the stink" well. They don't have to be vulnerable, like Nouwen's "Christian leaders of tomorrow;" they get to look good, and seemingly feel good for most of the time. Even if sometimes they can't hide the stink and are exposed or have a breakdown, a good 90% of the time, they look good and feel good (Mom, please refute this). See how appealing numbness is to me? See how appealing it is in our culture to define our own reality?
I mostly just want to say, "Great. Not only do people get to smell my stink, but I also get to look foolish for pursuing things like purity for the sake of a God I can't see." I usually say this before banging my head against the wall several times in a row.
The reality is that, yes, if I don't dig any deeper than the surface, then this reality is quite appealing. However, on the inside things are quite different. Here's what Henri Nouwen has to say:
Lately, I've thought about how easy it is to feel like I am the only one who struggles with certain things. Though, I developed a way of keeping myself from isolation in my struggles that dates back to my high school leadership camp experience. This was the first time I heard, "if you're weird, they're weird." It is a simple expression, but to be honest, it brings the whole world together. I mean that if I am insecure about something, then it is likely that someone else shares that insecurity, and so on.
Dawn and I (I hope this is ok to share, Dawn) have been feeling alone in the struggle for purity in our relationship. We can't think of a single couple that seems to struggle with this, and if they are struggling, they don't seem to let on how difficult it is. I mean, when we have victories, people are happy for us. But not in the "you-did-what-you-should-have-done" way. It's more in the "that's-amazing, I-don't-think-I-could-have-done-that-and-I-don't-know-anyone-else-who-could" sort of way. So instead of talking about how our effort is worth it, they isolate us by saying that we are quite odd for fighting this hard.
In fact, I know many Christians who have given in to these kinds of temptation and seem to have "gotten away with it." They screwed up, felt some shame and sorrow, repented and received forgiveness, or not, and seem to be doing just fine. Sometimes I envy those who can really "hide the stink" well. They don't have to be vulnerable, like Nouwen's "Christian leaders of tomorrow;" they get to look good, and seemingly feel good for most of the time. Even if sometimes they can't hide the stink and are exposed or have a breakdown, a good 90% of the time, they look good and feel good (Mom, please refute this). See how appealing numbness is to me? See how appealing it is in our culture to define our own reality?
I mostly just want to say, "Great. Not only do people get to smell my stink, but I also get to look foolish for pursuing things like purity for the sake of a God I can't see." I usually say this before banging my head against the wall several times in a row.
The reality is that, yes, if I don't dig any deeper than the surface, then this reality is quite appealing. However, on the inside things are quite different. Here's what Henri Nouwen has to say:
Beneath all the great accomplishments of our time there is a deep current of despair. While efficiency and control are the great aspirations of our society, the loneliness, isolation, lack of friendship and intimacy, broken relationships, boredom, feelings of emptiness and depression, and a deep sense of uselessness fill the hearts of millions of people in our success-oriented world.I'm complaining about the counter-culture Christian lifestyle that I'm trying to get used to over and over. The only justification for this is that God is all I need. He's my one-stop shop. He wants me to win this battle so that he and I can stay together. He wants me to be close, not to separate myself. He has all of the items I need - strength to fight and endure, grace for when I fail, and a wing under which to rest when I'm tired of fighting.
In the Name of Jesus
Hello everyone. I'm back after a significant time of numbness. I like this blog because I can measure just how long I've been numb, because when I'm not numb, I feel like writing. Thanks Dawn, for continuing to chip away at the ice.
I've been asked to read In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen, and I am realizing how annointed he is. That is to say, Henri Nouwen is annointed. Jesus is annointed too, though. Yes.
I've already been bowled-over, and I'm only in the first third of the first chapter:
I've been asked to read In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen, and I am realizing how annointed he is. That is to say, Henri Nouwen is annointed. Jesus is annointed too, though. Yes.
I've already been bowled-over, and I'm only in the first third of the first chapter:
I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. . .The leaders of the future will be those who dare to claim their irrelevance in the contemporary world as a divine vocation that allows them to enter into a deep solidarity with the anguish underlying all the glitter of success, and to bring the light of Jesus there."This makes me think - am I a Christian leader of the future? Look back to the My resume of failure post. Talk about encouraging. I love how certain speakers or writers can, in usually just a few words, validate my whole experience in life. It must be God.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Personal Website
I haven't had the time to write lately because my life is getting fairly complicated and busy. However, I have just completed a website that I designed and coded from scratch for my Music Technology class.
It is one of the first projects that I actually completed more than a week in advance of the deadline. Maybe there is hope for me yet. I will add much more to it in the coming weeks, but until then, enjoy!
https://webfiles.colorado.edu/mathisj/index.html
It is one of the first projects that I actually completed more than a week in advance of the deadline. Maybe there is hope for me yet. I will add much more to it in the coming weeks, but until then, enjoy!
https://webfiles.colorado.edu/mathisj/index.html
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
A sense of wonder
Tonight I attended a concert called "Premieres and Classics" featuring David Korevaar, Professor of Piano here at the university.
I am having trouble finding words for how this performance made me feel. I can only think of a few. Sublime. Magical. Wonderful. And when I say wonderful, I mean that it filled me with wonder. I sat there in my chair, squinted my eyes, shook my head, and tried to control the chills that went down my back and legs. I thought, "How could music that is this beautiful and amazing possibly exist? How can a man sit in front of 450 people and play over an hour of the most difficult music I've ever heard from memory?"
This feeling of wonder can only be compared to looking up at the stars at night away from city lights. It penetrates me the way the gaze of the girl I love does. I feel exposed and undressed. But never more real, more myself. It is impossible for me to walk away from a performance like tonight's without living more in my heart.
Tonight is not the first time I've felt this sense of wonder. No, the first time I remember feeling this is back in the days when I believed in Santa Claus. But enough about yesterday. No, really - the thought of a man who travels around the world in one night, giving out endless amounts of presents, who knows all of my actions (naughty or nice) but is still the most warm, joyful person I can imagine filled me with wonder.
As I thought about this, I realized that this sense of wonder has helped shape my concept of the supernatural. I found myself asking some of the same questions about God. I mean, if the stars are so great, how much greater is my God? If I consider the music I heard tonight to be the definition of beauty, then how much more beautiful is Yahweh? He is infinitely greater and more beautiful. Blows my hair back is what it does. And I realize that's saying a lot. (That's funny right there, I don't care who ya are)
Anyway, if you get the chance, listen to Le Tombeau de Couperin by Maurice Ravel. You can get either the solo piano version or the full orchestral arrangement - they are both performed about as often. Try to eliminate distractions, and use headphones unless you have an amazing surround sound speaker system. See if the music inspires your creativity. See if it penetrates you.
I am having trouble finding words for how this performance made me feel. I can only think of a few. Sublime. Magical. Wonderful. And when I say wonderful, I mean that it filled me with wonder. I sat there in my chair, squinted my eyes, shook my head, and tried to control the chills that went down my back and legs. I thought, "How could music that is this beautiful and amazing possibly exist? How can a man sit in front of 450 people and play over an hour of the most difficult music I've ever heard from memory?"
This feeling of wonder can only be compared to looking up at the stars at night away from city lights. It penetrates me the way the gaze of the girl I love does. I feel exposed and undressed. But never more real, more myself. It is impossible for me to walk away from a performance like tonight's without living more in my heart.
Tonight is not the first time I've felt this sense of wonder. No, the first time I remember feeling this is back in the days when I believed in Santa Claus. But enough about yesterday. No, really - the thought of a man who travels around the world in one night, giving out endless amounts of presents, who knows all of my actions (naughty or nice) but is still the most warm, joyful person I can imagine filled me with wonder.
As I thought about this, I realized that this sense of wonder has helped shape my concept of the supernatural. I found myself asking some of the same questions about God. I mean, if the stars are so great, how much greater is my God? If I consider the music I heard tonight to be the definition of beauty, then how much more beautiful is Yahweh? He is infinitely greater and more beautiful. Blows my hair back is what it does. And I realize that's saying a lot. (That's funny right there, I don't care who ya are)
Anyway, if you get the chance, listen to Le Tombeau de Couperin by Maurice Ravel. You can get either the solo piano version or the full orchestral arrangement - they are both performed about as often. Try to eliminate distractions, and use headphones unless you have an amazing surround sound speaker system. See if the music inspires your creativity. See if it penetrates you.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
A song I grew up on
I grew up in a house which was filled with music. My dad has been a guitarist for longer than I've lived, and he's probably lead worship more times than I could imagine. I have really fond memories falling asleep to contemporary worship songs with amazingly intimate, poetic, and deeply expressive lyrics. This is a song I've been thinking about recently, and it's probably one of my all-time favorites:
In the stillness of this hourLord, make my hour still and my heart quiet. Let me find you there.
I worship you my Lord
Crying holy is the Lord on high
In the quiet of my heart
I sing this song of praise
Crying holy is the Lord on high
And for all my days
I will bow down before you
Giving glory and honor
To your name
And for all of my life
I will worship and adore you
Crying holy is the Lord on high.
Copyright © 1989 Mercy Publishing. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
My resume of failure
Lately I've been feeling like a no-good failure. I am trying to market myself to graduate schools which requires a resume. My list of acheivements is very short. My test scores are terrible, my awards and special honors are close to none, my ensemble chair placement is very low for my class and experience level, my GPA is average at best, and my work ethic is terrible. I am not very productive or efficient. I have trouble completing very basic tasks which are essential to my future. The good teachers out there work hard to cater to a variety of learning styles such as visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. My learning style doesn't easily mesh with any of these styles. In short, the world considers me mediocre, if not a failure.
My mother wrote on this subject recently:
Since I can't usually prove my worth outside of the Bible, I end up being pulled towards humility. And not by choice. Dawn probably considers this a blessing because worldly success is actually a curse. It causes us to seek pleasure, wealth, affluence, fame, happiness, and everything else which doesn't last or satisfy. Worldly success also gives us the illusion that we belong in the world, and that we certainly don't need God: someone who is also not easily quantified.
Praise God that when He opens up personal assistant positions, my resume of failure is exactally what He is looking for.
My mother wrote on this subject recently:
Then I think how easily we misunderstand what's required of us. How we bounce between shame and bravado. How we just don't get it that our only option is to fall on the mercy. That only the mercy can save us. That only the mercy has power.Dawn thinks it's a blessing that my strengths are not quantifiable, and I've had to take some time to consider why she said that. My strengths can't really be measured with awards, tests, special honors, ensemble chair placements, or the way I learn. The members of the panel who are to decide my admittance to their school will never comment, "Look at the listening skills on that guy!" just as a typical college guy won't say, "Did you see the brains on that girl?!" They frankly don't care. The world demands tangible proof of my worth.
I'd like to say we don't get to disqualify ourselves because of failure. We're called to serve: Feed my sheep. Hail Frodo of the Nine Fingers. Four precious children to raise.Shame has no place in mercy.
And we don't get to qualify ourselves because of competence. It's only the mercy.
Failure + mercy = power. Power released through humility. Redemption empowered by grace. Treasure in earthen vessels. Strength made perfect in weakness. The depth of the riches of the glory of Christ...
Since I can't usually prove my worth outside of the Bible, I end up being pulled towards humility. And not by choice. Dawn probably considers this a blessing because worldly success is actually a curse. It causes us to seek pleasure, wealth, affluence, fame, happiness, and everything else which doesn't last or satisfy. Worldly success also gives us the illusion that we belong in the world, and that we certainly don't need God: someone who is also not easily quantified.
Praise God that when He opens up personal assistant positions, my resume of failure is exactally what He is looking for.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Contemplating lyrics
I am about to give out the url to this blog, so I'd better get writing. I have received some great encouragement to get going, so here it goes.
I think that God speaks to me the most tangibly and most frequently through music. Sometimes the music has words, sometimes not. There is one song that has affected me every time I hear it, as though the Holy Spirit were right next to me, telling me, "It'll be ok."
Either way, I love this song because it always de-numbs my heart. It makes me wake up out of my everyday hard heart, breaking away the hard shell that forms around it because of the world I live in. It helps to bring the despair that is on the inside outward, because "It's in despair that I find faith."
I'm so glad that I blogged today instead of playing more computer games.
I think that God speaks to me the most tangibly and most frequently through music. Sometimes the music has words, sometimes not. There is one song that has affected me every time I hear it, as though the Holy Spirit were right next to me, telling me, "It'll be ok."
"Fade to Grey" by Jars of ClayThe references to blind confusion, tears keeping me in chains, seeing God with His arms open wide through tear-filled eyes, and the metaphor of the heart. The night is cold, but colder still is the heart if it's made of stone, turned from the clay that God formed it with. His love is willing to turn me inside out. I am not sure who the speaker of the last two lines is. It is either God, or the speaker whose tears keep him in chains.
It's not hard to know what you're thinking
When you look down on me now
Your trance of love is seeking
To turn this world around
But in my state of blind confusion
No, God can pull me out
I see your love is willing
To turn me inside out
And then I see you there
The lonely tears I cry
I wish they'd release me
It's in despair that I find faith
Summon the night to bow down to day
When ignorance is bliss
Save me from myself
Chorus:
And then I see You there
With Your arms open wide and You try to embrace me
These lonely tears I cry
They keep me in chains and I wish they'd release me
Cold is the night but
Colder still is the heart made of stone, turned from clay
And if you follow me
You'll see all the black, all the white fade to grey
Either way, I love this song because it always de-numbs my heart. It makes me wake up out of my everyday hard heart, breaking away the hard shell that forms around it because of the world I live in. It helps to bring the despair that is on the inside outward, because "It's in despair that I find faith."
I'm so glad that I blogged today instead of playing more computer games.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
The Nutcracker
Merry Christmas-Eve! I must be getting older because I feel less and less excited and nervous today than I've felt in previous years, even as a teenager. However, I am starting to grasp just how amazing it is that God became one of us, died for my cruddiness, and rose again to prove His divinity. The grace that I experience from God amazes me daily.
I've been listening to Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker Ballet with the Boston Symphony Orchestra for the better part of the day. Tchaikovsky is one of my favorite composers because he satisfies almost everything I look for in music: exciting rhythms, beautiful melodic lines, a variety of moods and tempos, a certain level of unpredictability, a diversity of instrumentation, and creative inspiration. The music speaks to a wide spectrum of emotions, leaving out only a few. Tchaikovsky stimulates my intellect, feelings, spirit, and creativity.
I love how he seems to value closure and resolution so much. Like Beethoven, we works hard to create suspense and tension, forcing the listener to greatly anticipate the resolution. When it comes, it is wonderfully satisfying. Even if the resolution is a minor chord, nothing is left open. I pray that I will experience the kind of closure in my life that I experience in this music. That would be fabulous. It would set my heart to rest.
I've been listening to Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker Ballet with the Boston Symphony Orchestra for the better part of the day. Tchaikovsky is one of my favorite composers because he satisfies almost everything I look for in music: exciting rhythms, beautiful melodic lines, a variety of moods and tempos, a certain level of unpredictability, a diversity of instrumentation, and creative inspiration. The music speaks to a wide spectrum of emotions, leaving out only a few. Tchaikovsky stimulates my intellect, feelings, spirit, and creativity.
I love how he seems to value closure and resolution so much. Like Beethoven, we works hard to create suspense and tension, forcing the listener to greatly anticipate the resolution. When it comes, it is wonderfully satisfying. Even if the resolution is a minor chord, nothing is left open. I pray that I will experience the kind of closure in my life that I experience in this music. That would be fabulous. It would set my heart to rest.
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