Manning it up' and web design

If you have not been to my website recently, I'd love for you to check it out. It is now ready for potential employers of school districts where I'm applying to see. I'd love more experience doing web design, especially flash.

Otherwise, we're doing ok. Having a hard time with the sermon preached this morning by our campus pastor. How do you get "You young men need to man up, get a job, take a wife, and start making babies" out of Jeremiah 29? Yes, I'm taking it totally out of context, but that is what the rest of the sermon was like. We felt pretty slimed.

Simma' down, now!

Today I am blogging because I got to my first class just in time to remember that it was canceled because my professor is out of town. I have some time on my hands now. . . about 80 minutes.

It feels weird to not be rushing everywhere. I hope things are going to get a little less rushed and tense in my life soon. I gave notice to quit my job at Office Depot finally. It was a tough decision, but I had to be honest with myself and redefine my concept of what it means to be an adult. I know, I'm constantly in a philosophical crisis, right?

I'm starting my transition into professional life thinking about what it should look like to be a responsible adult, as if there were any. I got lots of messages growing up that said being an adult meant never having time, doing things because you have to, not because you want to, and working all of the time. I was taught that being successful meant making sacrifices, particularly luxuries. It seemed like the bottom line (money) was what would matter when I finally grew up. Isn't that what all of this education is for? To make more money? To amass wealth so I can pursue power, influence, happiness, life, liberty and the American Way?

I guess that is the downside to a secular education. No, I quit my job so I could have more time with Dawn and friends, schoolwork, and God. It is extremely hard to go through recovery when I'm busy all of the time. Depending on God just to make it through the day is different than asking him to heal all of my hurts, hang-ups and bad habits. It is also easier for me to have scheduled busyness all of the time than for me to try and manage my own free time. I'm afraid that I will waste it and then look lazy. Anyone else feel this way?

Nah, more and more I'm learning that being an adult means being honest, knowing my limits, having boundaries, being just as weak and screwed up as everybody else and needing a savior. I will never pull myself up by the bootstraps or be a self-made man. I will never achieve the American Dream and the pursuit of happiness is a futile one compared to the sufficiency of Christ.

It is hard having to debunk so many of the worldly messages I got growing up. Your thoughts?

Things I'm learning

I'd like to write about things I'm learning lately so that won't forget. I have been writing everything down in my journal and for once, I can remember why what someone said made me feel good.

For example, I went to The Refuge's The Walking Wounded seminar on Saturday morning. It involved having a conversation with 30-40 people and sharing good but mostly bad experiences in ministry together. They asked the questions, why am I here? is there someone to blame? how did I get here? when will I feel better? can I ever go back? where is God? and where do I go from here? There were several ideas which sparked my interest:

1. There is a confusion in many modern Evangelical churches of Community & Strategy. Churches get themselves into trouble because they often follow a corporate business model and end up valuing things like success, efficiency, productivity, growth, power, influence, control, money, titles, and on and on. They make goals which are to be achieved by people who they've either hired or who have volunteered. If these people work toward the goal, then they are valuable, but if they don't, they are a liability; dead-weight.

Karen (pseudonym) gave the example of her experience in senior leadership. The church didn't want community with Karen, they wanted a care pastor. They poured into her and cared about her as long as she fulfilled her role as a woman and as a care pastor. When she didn't fit into those roles they way they wanted, they ended what they called "community" with her. She was asked to leave, and quickly. This is clearly strategy, not community. Community is inefficient, unproductive, powerless (power is diffused), more communist than capitalist, a place where success can't easily be measured, where people are together because they want one thing, or similar things. This leads me to the next point I learned at The Walking Wounded, which includes two different models of community: Bounded Set and Center Set. I need to go to work, however, so I will have to write more about what I'm learning later. Thanks for reading!

Developments

Music: Symphony No. 2 by Johanannes Brahms

Mood: restless

Weight: 213 lbs, v. nice

Today's activities: blog, dishes, food shopping, laundry, Law in Order: Season 1, swimming, homegroup

Things are starting to get a little more exciting around here. The Lord is stirring up a lot of crud in our lives and I can tell that he's moving. I discovered yesterday at Celebrate Recovery that part of my recovery will involve learning how to do conflict with spiritual leaders and how to own my own stuff and deal with my own pride in an appropriate way. I think I screwed it up last time by letting it fester for too long, spreading my discontentment to others and trying to rally them to my side. I can tell that God really wants me to get it right this time. The reason I know is because the leader of my Saturday morning support group is totally screwing things up and making me feel really unsafe to share. I could go on and on about what I think he's doing wrong, but I'm trying to focus on my part.

I started my journal on Wednesday at my sponsor's recommendation. I've written in it at least twice every day since. It really makes a difference in my life as far as remaining present and actually dealing with my angst. So far, my potential journal topics include goals for recovery, things that tip my scale, things I'm grateful for, opportunities afforded to me as a result of my spiritual gifts, and childhood memories. I will probably go on to take an inventory on all of my relationships as well. The whole process gives me a lot of hope.

I really love my sponsor. He's a great listener and really easy trust. He had us over for dinner on Friday night and then we went to help supervise a sweet sixteen party for the daughter of a couple in his homegroup. It was fun. I talked to him about the 12-step leader and it looks like something might be done about it.

Meanwhile, our church is absorbing a church that is actually in my city, a mere 10 minutes away, and we've already received a general invitation to pray about getting involved here. Although the thought of it is still a bit terrifying, I can't say it feels entirely repulsive like it did six months ago. I'm tired of being bitter, mistrusting and prideful, I just want God to use me.

"The Great Sin"

An interesting thing happened the other day that made Dawn and I think. Our friends who lead homegroup are a lot of fun and are really great friends. They just aren't very practical sometimes. Often they wait until the day of homegroup to plan what we are going to do and what the meal should look like, and sometimes they don't plan it at all.

Now, Dawn and I pride ourselves heavily on being practical because that is something our parents highly value (it's all their fault!). Therefore, it is really easy for us to step in and ask questions that will lead our homegroup leaders to a decision about what we should do. We suggest ideas and try to influence the way they lead. In the process we tend to judge them, though. Then Dawn was convicted by this passage in 1 Corinthians 13. The first part is normally left out, but the second half is used in most weddings. I don't think they should leave the first part out:

If I speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Dawn and I are gifted in a number of ways and we are really tempted to use them pridefully. It never occurred to me that God wouldn't want me to use my gifting if it got in the way of loving someone. In this case, that is certainly true. I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and chapter 8, titled "The Great Sin," is an incredible explanation of pride. Here are some of the key points:

There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty of themselves. . . the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. . . Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people. But pride always means enmity - it is enmity. . .

Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive--is competitive by its very nature. . . Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others.

He goes on to talk about how pride is often the root of all other vices, and indeed, what made the devil the devil.

I suffer from this in a big way, and I think my pride has probably taken a large part in most of the difficult relationships I've had in the past, including those in ministry. This is something that God and I will have to work on very deeply before I will ever be a leader again. I can imagine being a band director and potentially enjoying "moving them about like toy soldiers," as C.S. Lewis said. I want power, I want respect, I want people to think that I'm smart and funny, I want people recognize my gifts, but 1 Corinthians says that if I don't have love, I am nothing. And pride is the opposite of love.

As one of my favorite comedians, Robin Williams, would say, "Let's get ready to HUMBLE!" No joke, though.

Journaling and vows

I am starting a journal for my recovery and my assignment among other things, is to write in it every time I'm upset about something. When I was in high school, I thought that as long as my negative feelings didn't receive credit, then maybe they didn't exist. I thought that as long as I didn't voice them and instead, focused on positive things, then they'd go away. This is what I thought "having a good attitude" was all about. I would also try to forget times where I was feeling negatively, and even lie so often about how I was feeling that I'd remember the lie as being truth. And as a coping technique, it worked for the time being.

The problem is that if I am to ever depend on God, I have to submit that stuff to him. He won't let me sweep it under the rug any longer. This morning I am really upset and I'm trying to get the strength to change. Instead of turning to computer games, TV, or some other kind of entertainment, I'm going to write it down. Wish me luck.

I remembered that some of you wanted a copy of our wedding vows. I've posted them below. I made some pretty tough promises and I've already broken many of them on several occasions. Especially the parts about confessing my shortcomings, being vulnerable, and always speaking truth. OK, time to journal.

Justin,

Because God loves us and gave up himself for our sake,
I promise, now and forever, to love, respect, and honor you
I promise to be faithful to you and loyal to you as my husband
I promise to give up my selfishness, because loving you is more important to me
I promise to be open and truthful with you and to accept God's grace and correction
I promise to let go of my pride and self-centered perspective
I promise to forgive you and let go of any hurt feelings and judgments
I promise to listen to you and never waste an opportunity to understand you better
I promise to care more about what God's will is for you than about my own life
I promise to seek God together with you, submitting to and following Him and no other
I bind myself with you and God together in this covenant, no matter the circumstance, for as long as I live.


Dawn,

I promise to love you with my body, my mind, my heart and my spirit.
I promise to honor you before myself with my words, my actions, my thoughts and my prayers.
I promise to draw out your beauty and and unpack your heart with my love.
I promise to listen to you, forgive you, and try to understand the way you experience life.
While I still have breath, I promise to pursue only you, my wife, never letting another come between us.
I promise to confess my short comings and be vulnerable to you, always speaking truth.
I promise to give up my selfishness, because loving you is more important to me.
I promise to declare Jesus my king, depending on his grace to do all of these things because I admit that I cannot do them without him.
I bind myself with you and God together in this covenant, no matter the circumstance, for as long as I live.

"Praise and Worship"

I've been very distracted during worship at The Village. I'm not sure if its me or them. It's probably me. Let me take you through what I'm thinking when standing there:

OK, first song. I can't get over how young the worship pastor looks. I know he's 28, but he could pass for 19. Interesting: he had the female vocalist sing this verse. It is in the same octave but for some reason it sounds higher. Funny how most of the men drop out when a woman leads. I bet it's because of of the timbre difference. That is probably why Castrotti were used in Italian opera so much in the late 17th century... Wow, this is way out of my singing range. Its too low if I take it down an octave, so let's try harmony. OK, that's not cool - the female vocalist is singing my tenor part, but up an octave. Now what should I sing? Clearly the text was never meant for this rhythm and chord setting. I have a degree in music, and I'm finding it hard to follow this guy. Looking around, there are several people who aren't singing and haven't sung the whole time, including the people behind me. I wonder why? Is it because they haven't been exposed to music growing up? Do they not know the words?

Maybe they don't like singing, so this part of the service is totally superfluous to them. Maybe they find that to be a very difficult venue to experience God. I mean, it isn't exactly a meditative environment. I can't help but wonder: what must it be like for someone who has never sung much in his life and never been to church to attend one of these services for the first time? Or even for the twentieth? It probably feels alien to them.

Plus, I am often singing words my heart does not necessarily agree with. I end up making a lot of lofty claims and promises about my desires for God that may just be a pack of lies. I guess my point is that sometimes it is hard to be honest with God in worship. I wish we would sing songs that had simple but pleasing melodies that were in a decent range with easy rhythms that weren't too syncopated. I wish we could sing songs with words that were not so extreme but simply spoke out of a heart that wants to experience God's love and peace and forgiveness. As I remember back on the most popular choruses in contemporary Christian worship, they were the most simple ones. They maybe had three to five words and were easy to harmonize.

Sometimes I wish that I could switch off my four semesters of aural skills training and my two semesters of theoretical part-writing and harmonization training. I wish I could stop evaluating musical performances and compositions and get to experience God more. I've felt the closest to God in the past through musical experiences I've had, so its tough when that is no longer happening.

Crusade

Warning - very long post. Even though this is labeled "rant," your comments are welcome if you don't know me personally. Kerry: this may bring back traumatic memories. Mom: feel free to use this in your book, though a more complete version is pending.

This morning I'm remembering my experiences in college ministry. Rewind to fall, 2005. I'm a junior in college. I'd led a community group for a year now and my group had grown to about 12 people. I was an RA in the engineering dorms, so even though I was a music major, my group consisted of mainly engineering students. Talk about an unnatural community. We got along for the most part, but when ever we were not talking about Jesus, they talked about math, science, car engines, computers, classes--they left me out most of their conversations.

My commitments as a leader were to attend the ministry's main event on Thursday nights, hang out with my community group (not bible study--we were better than just a bible study) on Friday nights, lead community group on Monday afternoons, go to leadership meetings on Monday nights, go to Impact (larger group bible study) on Tuesday nights, disciple three guys in my group for one hour each during the week ("raise them up as leaders"), and meet with my staff-discipler for an hour. This ended up being 12-15 hours per week of time commitments. I didn't have much time to practice clarinet.

There were several doctrines that this ministry developed and tested while I was there, both overt and covert. Some I expect they've had since my parents were in it when they were in college. All doctrines stemmed out their desire to take The Great Commission very seriously. OK, here we go:

The doctrine of spiritual multiplication. If we as a ministry were going to reach the whole campus with the Gospel, then we can't we wasting our time adding to our numbers. We must multiply our numbers. Here's how it works. I grew up in the church and recently learned how to share my faith using the 4 Spiritual Laws booklet. I share this with you and two others who accept Christ into their hearts. I begin discipling you three with our five follow-ups which include basic principles of the faith. I then train you on how to use the 4 Spiritual Laws to share your faith. You go out and convert three people whom you disciple and teach how to share their faith. Now, disciples don't necessarily have to be new believers. In fact, they could have known Jesus far longer than me and even served in leadership before coming to college. I still must go through the five follow-ups with them, just to make sure they get it right. No funny business.

Target-area doctrine. This ministry's strategy was to target living areas for evangelism. The pressure was on the area community groups to target the communities in which they lived. This meant that we would do outreaches including giving things away in exchange for people's contact information (so we could follow up later and share our faith with them), do servant evangelism by taking out people's trash, giving out more stuff or throwing parties, go prayer-walking, or just talk to people around campus in "guided conversations" that eventually led to us sharing the Gospel using the 4 Spiritual Laws. Not a single one of these outreaches grew our group in size or depth.

The Great Commission necessitates all to be leaders. If you share your faith, you are "leading" someone to Christ. In a movement like the campus ministry that I was in, no "dead weight" could be afforded. As a leader, I was to put most of my energy into people who would replace me. The big problem is that none of them felt called by God to be leaders. Many of them were introverts and most of them were extremely busy with school. Engineers have a ridiculous amount of work to do for their classes. I would estimate that they have almost twice as much work to do than average students. Sorry about all the "quotes."

The FAT doctrine. This ministry believed that, in order to be qualified for leadership, you had to be FAT: Faithful, Available, and Teachable. I met their standards, but these engineers weren't that available, and they required a lot of explanation in order to buy into biblical principles. They were analytical thinkers. The ministry's staff member who supervised and discipled me determined that none of the members in my group were FAT. Therefore, we must work all the harder on community outreach to get people involved who were FAT. My whole group was "dead weight" to the movement.

The Chart of Influence. In order to show how much and how far God was reaching (or to bolster their own confidence and success-complexes), the ministry's staff members all had to chart their influence. My discipler showed me his chart the day after my junior solo clarinet recital. It had the people who had discipled him on the left, him in the left/center, the people he was discipling on the right/center, and the people we were discipling on the far right. I remember seeing the other four people he was discipling with three people connected to each of them, and three little arrows pointing from my name to blank spaces. No one from my group had time to meet with me very often, so I couldn't help him out. It was then that he determined that none of my group members were FAT.

The conference doctrine. I remember the director of this ministry telling us in a leadership meeting that, "given the choice between attending Denver Christmas Conference or attending a whole semester's worth of bible study, I would choose DCC." In other words, conferences were extremely important to him. As a leader, I was to spend much of my time trying to convince my group members to attend the next conference. We even spent part of our leadership meetings trying to strategize on how we could get people to go. We were supposed to tell our group members not to think, "why should I go to Denver Christmas Conference," but "why shouldn't I go?" We always were to say, "it'll change your life." If that didn't work, then were were suppose to ask our group members every time we met, even if they'd already said no. If that didn't work, then we prayed profusely for them by name to go to this conference. I'm pretty sure the region's campus directors competed for how many people they could get to attend from their respective campuses.

A progression to full-time ministry. This ministry often stressed the importance of their own activities over all others, even those which were school-related. Rationalization: "What are you going to remember 10 years from now: some grade you got on a paper your freshmen year in college, or all of the friends you made and things you got to see God do?" Because how could anything satisfy more than God? So get involved.

Using names I substituted for the real ones, here is the progression:You start college and come to a main event meeting in this ministry. You hear about Weekend-Long Fall Retreat (WLFR). You go to Weekend-Long Fall Retreat and have a great time, meet new friends, and hear at least ten times about Week-Long Winter Conference (WLWC). You and your friends get into a bible study and hear about Week-Long Winter Conference all semester and about how much fun it will be and how much God will change your life, so you go. Week-Long Winter Conference is like a huge college party for God with two rock concerts per day, a dance, games, outreach, and a whole day about Summer-Long Evangelism Project (SLEP). You raise support all spring to go on SLEP, and you find that Summer-Long Evangelism Project is like your normal spiritual walk, but on steroids and in a totally sheltered environment. All summer long, you hear about taking the Gospel back to your campus, and committing a year of your life to go on Post-College Year-Long Over Seas Mission (PCYLOSM). Since you spent all of your time being involved in this campus ministry during college, you probably didn't do as well in academics or lost your original goal for college that all of your parent's money went towards. So you go on PCYLOSM. Here, in post-Soviet Paganistan, you have a great experience starting a campus ministry which will be a partner to your campus, so others from your campus can go on Summer-Long Evangelism Project there. If you are successful, then it is often suggested that you become Full-Time Staff Member (FTSM) for your ministry, so you can begin to pressure freshmen to go on Weekend-Long Fall Retreat.

As you can probably tell, it didn't end well with me and this ministry. Maybe I'll write that story another time.

Where I am with God

It is my assignment this week for CR to write out where I am with God so that it may be compared with where I am with God in 22 weeks when the 12-step program is over. I thought I'd share this with you and you can offer any insight or encouragement if you want to.

For the most part, what I know to be true about God and the way I feel about him are extremely different and often conflicting. For example, it makes sense to me that God is a loving, merciful, tender God who has counted the hairs on my head and wants his light to shine in every area of my life. But the way I feel about God is that he is some kind of control-monger who just wants to own me and use me. I feel like he just wants me to know how powerful he is and how little my actions affect him, right or wrong. I feel like he just wants to have his way regardless of what I think or feel. When I feel far from him, I think, "how is it that my wife can spend lots of time and energy pursuing Christ and I can spend almost none, and we can still feel the same amount of discouragement?"

In general, I feel mad and resentful toward God because I think of him the way I think of most of the Christian leaders in my life growing up: as invulnerable perfectionists, power-hungry, controlling, manipulative, efficient and success/purpose-driven. Like these leaders, I feel like God is always trying to put the blame on me and just wants me to sit in my pain as long as possible sometimes.

As a result, I haven't spent time much in solitary prayer (my wife and I pray often together) and I have almost no desire to read the bible, and have never developed a habit of doing so. I should mention that I contributed to these feelings with my own pride, laziness, selfishness, lack of faith and trust in God. I haven't helped that situation by trying to escape for so long and deny that this is an issue whatsoever.

I do have hope that God will heal me of my bitterness from past church experiences and make me whole again. There are evidences of his love every day and I want to hold on to and look for those. I want to believe fully that God is good and that his way is better, and that no matter what hurts occur in the body of Christ, that he is big enough to heal those bitter wounds. I want to believe that he is worth my time and energy and love.

lot on my mind

Summer has been hitting me over the head lately. No commitments other than finding a job. I have unofficially been offered a part-time job at Office Depot that pays $8.50/hour. I will probably take it if, by the end of the week, nothing comes up that offers higher pay and more hours. It feels good that my work wasn't in vein, though. I started the process with Office Depot like 5 weeks ago. Money might still be an issue through the summer, so pray that God will provide and I don't have to delay my schooling.

Google Earth and its 3D Warehouse have been of great interest in the past couple weeks. They have this tool called Google SketchUp which can model almost any 3D object with little effort. The program is so intuitive and easy to use, I wish I'd had it as a kid. I might be on a totally different career path by now if that were the case. I say that because I love 3D modeling. I've always loved sketching 3D houses, castles, or other objects and I figured most modeling programs would require a class to master.

After a week of going through tutorials and learning how to use Adobe Photoshop CS again, I modeled my own apartment building. Its pretty exciting, though a couple of the textures don't load correctly in Google Earth. I don't know exactly how to troubleshoot it, so I'll leave it as-is. It didn't take me long to realize that if my career in music education turns out to be a flop, then doing something with computers, especially building them or using software like SketchUpPhotoshop would be a lot of fun for me. I realize it is just as competitive of a career.

On the subject of technology, Dawn and I just burned our first DVD! It is pretty awesome. With Windows Vista's DVD creator, we made our own menu with its own music, and burned four downloaded episodes from The Office: Season 3. Pretty amazing, and it saves a lot of disc space. We love The Office. It has very believable stories and characters. I'm sure that the writers created these characters from people they actually knew or their friends knew. It seems that reality is so much more funny than fantasy could ever be.

Finally, a friend of mine from church suggested that all of my thoughts and bitterness toward God might be helped if I meditate or read about Jesus. When I think of Jesus, I remember how kind and caring he is, going after the poor and oppressed and shunning the rich and self-righteous. I don't think of someone who is a control monger that wants to be Lord over every part of me. I don't think of Jesus as a man who will do what ever he wants without regard to my thoughts or feelings. I think I can love Jesus.

Music and God

I believe in Jesus
I believe He is the Son of God
I believe He died and rose again
I believe He paid for us all

And I believe He's here now
Standing in our midst
Here with the power to heal now
And the grace to forgive

This song was published in 1987 by Mercy Publishing, who published most of the worship songs that I grew up on. I woke up this morning with it in my head. In fact, I often wake up with certain worship songs going through my head, and there is really no reason why. I haven't heard this song is years and years.

Maybe it is God's way of speaking to me in the morning; his way of giving me a chance to spend time with him and to remember him. I'm convinced that my best avenue of communing with God is through music. As my clarinet teacher, Daryl Coad, said, "As much as I like Christian worship music, nothing speaks to me about God more than a good Mozart or Brahms symphony."

I agree with Mr. Coad. Playing great repertoire on the clarinet that God provided using the talent that he gave feels pretty great. I often feel most at peace when in rehearsal or while practicing or when listening to classical music. All of the stress of theology and the worry about my struggles and my lack of desire and faith towards God melts away when I get to experience him through music. That gives me a lot of hope that I'm in the right profession.

new direction

I want to let you know that this blog may become much more personal and messy than in the past. I need a place to get my honest/raw thoughts down on paper, and I can't seem to do it when no one else will know about it or will care. Here are a couple of ground rules from here on if you are a reader:

1. Any post with the label of "rant" is taken out of the regular context of my life and was written without a whole lot of premeditation. Don't take it as representative of the way I am all of the time, because these posts will probably be fairly negative and unbalanced.

2. Please only comment on the really personal posts if you know me well. If this blog turns out not to be safe, I simply won't post.

3. Please keep in mind that you can not change me, but only God can. Therefore, feel free to encourage me or give your opinion or other comments, but your prayer is also appreciated.

I'll try to keep the blog as balanced as possible so you don't think that I am a complete mess. However, in a lot of ways I am a complete mess. Thank God for His mercy.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading.

Celebrate Recovery List

I'm going to Celebrate Recovery at my church on Thursday night and I wanted to make a list, or maybe just rant about what I am going to say in the group. It is really important for me to get these things off of my chest and out into the open in a safe environment like CR. I feel like this process has been the beginnings of healing for me, so here we go:

1. I avoid and escape from pain at all costs. I am really good at it, too. This is how I've spent most of my life, certainly since I was 10 years old. I began by doing impressions of cartoon characters or funny movie characters, always putting on a different face. I then moved to video games when I was about 12 or 13 and have not stopped using that method. As a 14/15 year old, I began a pornography addiction that was extremely effective as well. In the past year, I've seen lots of victory in that area, though it still tempts me.

2. I escape my pain by talking about and focusing on other people's pain, especially the people who are closest to me. I then try to control them and force them to feel better, as if I could. Dawn, my wife, gets the brunt of most of this. And for her, it is easy to see her pain because she is not as skilled at avoiding it. Yesterday, I was busy on the computer escaping my pain (not very well, actually) when she made an important call to her mother that she was worried about. She thought that her mother might judge her despite the fact that she could identify with Dawn's situation and was very loving and accepting recently. I was not worried about it, so I didn't help her or encourage her or talk through it with her. I just wanted to be proven right, and that was much more important to me than loving Dawn. I am really ashamed of how much pride I have.

3. Last night, I realized that I don't even need video games or porn to escape. I'd bet that anything short of locking myself up in a windowless, padded room in a straight jacket wouldn't be enough to keep me from escaping. Sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood or feeling discontent, I just focus on something else and wait for the pain to go away. I also escape by playing music or calling someone on the phone.

4. My conclusion is that if I go anywhere but to God for healing and restoration, then the pain will always come back. I have a 13-year track record of going to other things than Him, so this is going to take a lot of work.

5. In a related matter, I do not encourage my wife to spend time with God anymore because when she does, I feel a lot of shame. I feel this because I don't have that same desire to spend time with Him. And I have shame about that. But I'm angry at God. I easily forget how much He loves me and cares for me, and how awesome and worthy of my praise He is. Mostly I just see him as prideful and stubborn; as a control monger. I've taken my view of the Campus Crusade leadership of two years ago and projected it on God. In some ways, I've given up pursuing God's will in my life because I tend to think that God is going to do what ever the hell He wants without regard for my feelings, attitudes, and requests. I resent that. I don't feel like I matter to God.

6. I have shame about the things I think about God. How could I think such aweful things about the God who delivered me from a pornography addiction or the God who gave me such an amazing wife or the God who has blessed me with talent and a love for music or the God who CREATED music to begin with?!? The bible says that all of the good things in my life are from God. What makes me think I can resent Him? Lord, forgive me.