Developments

Music: Symphony No. 2 by Johanannes Brahms

Mood: restless

Weight: 213 lbs, v. nice

Today's activities: blog, dishes, food shopping, laundry, Law in Order: Season 1, swimming, homegroup

Things are starting to get a little more exciting around here. The Lord is stirring up a lot of crud in our lives and I can tell that he's moving. I discovered yesterday at Celebrate Recovery that part of my recovery will involve learning how to do conflict with spiritual leaders and how to own my own stuff and deal with my own pride in an appropriate way. I think I screwed it up last time by letting it fester for too long, spreading my discontentment to others and trying to rally them to my side. I can tell that God really wants me to get it right this time. The reason I know is because the leader of my Saturday morning support group is totally screwing things up and making me feel really unsafe to share. I could go on and on about what I think he's doing wrong, but I'm trying to focus on my part.

I started my journal on Wednesday at my sponsor's recommendation. I've written in it at least twice every day since. It really makes a difference in my life as far as remaining present and actually dealing with my angst. So far, my potential journal topics include goals for recovery, things that tip my scale, things I'm grateful for, opportunities afforded to me as a result of my spiritual gifts, and childhood memories. I will probably go on to take an inventory on all of my relationships as well. The whole process gives me a lot of hope.

I really love my sponsor. He's a great listener and really easy trust. He had us over for dinner on Friday night and then we went to help supervise a sweet sixteen party for the daughter of a couple in his homegroup. It was fun. I talked to him about the 12-step leader and it looks like something might be done about it.

Meanwhile, our church is absorbing a church that is actually in my city, a mere 10 minutes away, and we've already received a general invitation to pray about getting involved here. Although the thought of it is still a bit terrifying, I can't say it feels entirely repulsive like it did six months ago. I'm tired of being bitter, mistrusting and prideful, I just want God to use me.