In the Name of Jesus 2

I've been reading more In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen. In his second chapter, he touched on what I think is an essential element in Christian leadership:

True ministry must be mutual. When the members of a community of faith cannot truly know and love their shepherd, shepherding quickly becomes a subtle way of exercising power over others and begins to show authoritarian and dictatorial traits. . . [Christian leadership] is a servant leadership. . . in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader.

I think this quote hits on some big issues.

First, it hits on the kind of class system within the Church. A significant leader in my life commented on his perfect church as not having such a distinction between the leaders and the followers. If ministry is mutual, then there are no one-way relationships.

I had a type of one-way relationship with my direct teacher/mentor in Crusade for two years. We used to meet for lunch and go over various Crusade follow-ups and ideas that I needed to know in order to share with those whom I was discipling. He also would ask me about my week, how my small group was going (which I led), what God had been teaching me, and about my struggles. I would disclose and he would encourage me and attempt to speak truth.

In some ways, I was expected to pour myself out to him, but he almost never did the same in return. He probably thought he was being a selfless leader, but instead his heart was veiled and I felt alone in my struggles. If he were really selfless, however, he would have made real sacrifices. It would have been a greater sacrifice for him to share his heart and admit his faults and brokenness (which I believe everyone has in some form) than for him to sit and sympathize with mine. I ended up feeling alone and powerless.

My teacher/mentor in Crusade held all of the power in our relationship. He knew everything about me and used that knowledge to get me to do what he wanted, although this was very subtle. I didn't realize he was doing this until I began to strongly disagree with him. He used his knowledge of my weaknesses to disqualify my opinion in the matter. It was so subtle that I actually agreed with his assessment at the time. When I was asked to leave leadership because of our continued difference of opinion, I found out just how much he and the Crusade leadership didn't need me.

Am I alone?

Two posts in a day. Watchyaself! These topics were different enough to justify separation.

Lately, I've thought about how easy it is to feel like I am the only one who struggles with certain things. Though, I developed a way of keeping myself from isolation in my struggles that dates back to my high school leadership camp experience. This was the first time I heard, "if you're weird, they're weird." It is a simple expression, but to be honest, it brings the whole world together. I mean that if I am insecure about something, then it is likely that someone else shares that insecurity, and so on.

Dawn and I (I hope this is ok to share, Dawn) have been feeling alone in the struggle for purity in our relationship. We can't think of a single couple that seems to struggle with this, and if they are struggling, they don't seem to let on how difficult it is. I mean, when we have victories, people are happy for us. But not in the "you-did-what-you-should-have-done" way. It's more in the "that's-amazing, I-don't-think-I-could-have-done-that-and-I-don't-know-anyone-else-who-could" sort of way. So instead of talking about how our effort is worth it, they isolate us by saying that we are quite odd for fighting this hard.

In fact, I know many Christians who have given in to these kinds of temptation and seem to have "gotten away with it." They screwed up, felt some shame and sorrow, repented and received forgiveness, or not, and seem to be doing just fine. Sometimes I envy those who can really "hide the stink" well. They don't have to be vulnerable, like Nouwen's "Christian leaders of tomorrow;" they get to look good, and seemingly feel good for most of the time. Even if sometimes they can't hide the stink and are exposed or have a breakdown, a good 90% of the time, they look good and feel good (Mom, please refute this). See how appealing numbness is to me? See how appealing it is in our culture to define our own reality?

I mostly just want to say, "Great. Not only do people get to smell my stink, but I also get to look foolish for pursuing things like purity for the sake of a God I can't see." I usually say this before banging my head against the wall several times in a row.

The reality is that, yes, if I don't dig any deeper than the surface, then this reality is quite appealing. However, on the inside things are quite different. Here's what Henri Nouwen has to say:

Beneath all the great accomplishments of our time there is a deep current of despair. While efficiency and control are the great aspirations of our society, the loneliness, isolation, lack of friendship and intimacy, broken relationships, boredom, feelings of emptiness and depression, and a deep sense of uselessness fill the hearts of millions of people in our success-oriented world.

I'm complaining about the counter-culture Christian lifestyle that I'm trying to get used to over and over. The only justification for this is that God is all I need. He's my one-stop shop. He wants me to win this battle so that he and I can stay together. He wants me to be close, not to separate myself. He has all of the items I need - strength to fight and endure, grace for when I fail, and a wing under which to rest when I'm tired of fighting.

In the Name of Jesus

Hello everyone. I'm back after a significant time of numbness. I like this blog because I can measure just how long I've been numb, because when I'm not numb, I feel like writing. Thanks Dawn, for continuing to chip away at the ice.

I've been asked to read In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen, and I am realizing how annointed he is. That is to say, Henri Nouwen is annointed. Jesus is annointed too, though. Yes.

I've already been bowled-over, and I'm only in the first third of the first chapter:

I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. . .The leaders of the future will be those who dare to claim their irrelevance in the contemporary world as a divine vocation that allows them to enter into a deep solidarity with the anguish underlying all the glitter of success, and to bring the light of Jesus there."

This makes me think - am I a Christian leader of the future? Look back to the My resume of failure post. Talk about encouraging. I love how certain speakers or writers can, in usually just a few words, validate my whole experience in life. It must be God.

Personal Website

I haven't had the time to write lately because my life is getting fairly complicated and busy. However, I have just completed a website that I designed and coded from scratch for my Music Technology class.

It is one of the first projects that I actually completed more than a week in advance of the deadline. Maybe there is hope for me yet. I will add much more to it in the coming weeks, but until then, enjoy!

https://webfiles.colorado.edu/mathisj/index.html

A sense of wonder

Tonight I attended a concert called "Premieres and Classics" featuring David Korevaar, Professor of Piano here at the university.

I am having trouble finding words for how this performance made me feel. I can only think of a few. Sublime. Magical. Wonderful. And when I say wonderful, I mean that it filled me with wonder. I sat there in my chair, squinted my eyes, shook my head, and tried to control the chills that went down my back and legs. I thought, "How could music that is this beautiful and amazing possibly exist? How can a man sit in front of 450 people and play over an hour of the most difficult music I've ever heard from memory?"

This feeling of wonder can only be compared to looking up at the stars at night away from city lights. It penetrates me the way the gaze of the girl I love does. I feel exposed and undressed. But never more real, more myself. It is impossible for me to walk away from a performance like tonight's without living more in my heart.

Tonight is not the first time I've felt this sense of wonder. No, the first time I remember feeling this is back in the days when I believed in Santa Claus. But enough about yesterday. No, really - the thought of a man who travels around the world in one night, giving out endless amounts of presents, who knows all of my actions (naughty or nice) but is still the most warm, joyful person I can imagine filled me with wonder.

As I thought about this, I realized that this sense of wonder has helped shape my concept of the supernatural. I found myself asking some of the same questions about God. I mean, if the stars are so great, how much greater is my God? If I consider the music I heard tonight to be the definition of beauty, then how much more beautiful is Yahweh? He is infinitely greater and more beautiful. Blows my hair back is what it does. And I realize that's saying a lot. (That's funny right there, I don't care who ya are)

Anyway, if you get the chance, listen to Le Tombeau de Couperin by Maurice Ravel. You can get either the solo piano version or the full orchestral arrangement - they are both performed about as often. Try to eliminate distractions, and use headphones unless you have an amazing surround sound speaker system. See if the music inspires your creativity. See if it penetrates you.