Lately, I've thought about how easy it is to feel like I am the only one who struggles with certain things. Though, I developed a way of keeping myself from isolation in my struggles that dates back to my high school leadership camp experience. This was the first time I heard, "if you're weird, they're weird." It is a simple expression, but to be honest, it brings the whole world together. I mean that if I am insecure about something, then it is likely that someone else shares that insecurity, and so on.
Dawn and I (I hope this is ok to share, Dawn) have been feeling alone in the struggle for purity in our relationship. We can't think of a single couple that seems to struggle with this, and if they are struggling, they don't seem to let on how difficult it is. I mean, when we have victories, people are happy for us. But not in the "you-did-what-you-should-have-done" way. It's more in the "that's-amazing, I-don't-think-I-could-have-done-that-and-I-don't-know-anyone-else-who-could" sort of way. So instead of talking about how our effort is worth it, they isolate us by saying that we are quite odd for fighting this hard.
In fact, I know many Christians who have given in to these kinds of temptation and seem to have "gotten away with it." They screwed up, felt some shame and sorrow, repented and received forgiveness, or not, and seem to be doing just fine. Sometimes I envy those who can really "hide the stink" well. They don't have to be vulnerable, like Nouwen's "Christian leaders of tomorrow;" they get to look good, and seemingly feel good for most of the time. Even if sometimes they can't hide the stink and are exposed or have a breakdown, a good 90% of the time, they look good and feel good (Mom, please refute this). See how appealing numbness is to me? See how appealing it is in our culture to define our own reality?
I mostly just want to say, "Great. Not only do people get to smell my stink, but I also get to look foolish for pursuing things like purity for the sake of a God I can't see." I usually say this before banging my head against the wall several times in a row.
The reality is that, yes, if I don't dig any deeper than the surface, then this reality is quite appealing. However, on the inside things are quite different. Here's what Henri Nouwen has to say:
Beneath all the great accomplishments of our time there is a deep current of despair. While efficiency and control are the great aspirations of our society, the loneliness, isolation, lack of friendship and intimacy, broken relationships, boredom, feelings of emptiness and depression, and a deep sense of uselessness fill the hearts of millions of people in our success-oriented world.I'm complaining about the counter-culture Christian lifestyle that I'm trying to get used to over and over. The only justification for this is that God is all I need. He's my one-stop shop. He wants me to win this battle so that he and I can stay together. He wants me to be close, not to separate myself. He has all of the items I need - strength to fight and endure, grace for when I fail, and a wing under which to rest when I'm tired of fighting.
4 comments:
I think that maybe some people give the old "that's-amazing, I-don't-think-I-could-have-done-that-and-I-don't-know-anyone-else-who-could" response because they may truly be ashamed that they couldn't do it. You definately are not alone in your struggle, but it is true that not many other people see the truth and beauty that you are fighting for. They don't see the point. Many have "gotten away with it" and too many believe the lie that they can too. I am so proud of you for being present in your struggles and persevering. My friends who did not get away with it will certainly attest to the Truth you are fighting for.
Anyway, I can see by the thought process in this post that you are well on your way. I am sorry it is so tough and that the enemy loves to lie to us and make us feel alone.
Your relationship is so precious, fight for the truth! Love ya Bro
Thank you so much for the encouragement and validation, Gloria. :-)
So, clearly, since this involves me, I thought perhaps I should say something.
Someone asked me yesterday to point to a place in the Bible where a follower of God was asked to do what everyone else was doing. I pointed out that there were groups, such as the original disciples and Paul, Barnabas, Timothy, etc, that worked together and helped each other stay on the same path. She said that it didn't always work that way, which I interpreted to mean that relationships are often broken and we can't be there for each other 100% of the time, all the time.
I realized my sin: I want to escape this brokenness, not embrace it. I am most frustrated because I always feel like I'm losing the battle, and I hate hate hate it when I see myself doing something that I feel I have no control over. This is a pride issue. This is me kicking and screaming because it seems sometimes that I would rather die than have this thorn (and others) in my side. I don't know what to do with this realization yet, but there it is.
Dawn
Wow. Justin, Gloria, Dawn. You all are awesome. Good conversation here. I can't add much except to say you are fighting the right fight, and I encourage you to stay with it. I know just how hard it can be, and how much I failed. But continue to embrace the struggle and sit with Jesus with the struggle. He's the only one that brings true victory.
Post a Comment