Celebrate Recovery List

I'm going to Celebrate Recovery at my church on Thursday night and I wanted to make a list, or maybe just rant about what I am going to say in the group. It is really important for me to get these things off of my chest and out into the open in a safe environment like CR. I feel like this process has been the beginnings of healing for me, so here we go:

1. I avoid and escape from pain at all costs. I am really good at it, too. This is how I've spent most of my life, certainly since I was 10 years old. I began by doing impressions of cartoon characters or funny movie characters, always putting on a different face. I then moved to video games when I was about 12 or 13 and have not stopped using that method. As a 14/15 year old, I began a pornography addiction that was extremely effective as well. In the past year, I've seen lots of victory in that area, though it still tempts me.

2. I escape my pain by talking about and focusing on other people's pain, especially the people who are closest to me. I then try to control them and force them to feel better, as if I could. Dawn, my wife, gets the brunt of most of this. And for her, it is easy to see her pain because she is not as skilled at avoiding it. Yesterday, I was busy on the computer escaping my pain (not very well, actually) when she made an important call to her mother that she was worried about. She thought that her mother might judge her despite the fact that she could identify with Dawn's situation and was very loving and accepting recently. I was not worried about it, so I didn't help her or encourage her or talk through it with her. I just wanted to be proven right, and that was much more important to me than loving Dawn. I am really ashamed of how much pride I have.

3. Last night, I realized that I don't even need video games or porn to escape. I'd bet that anything short of locking myself up in a windowless, padded room in a straight jacket wouldn't be enough to keep me from escaping. Sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood or feeling discontent, I just focus on something else and wait for the pain to go away. I also escape by playing music or calling someone on the phone.

4. My conclusion is that if I go anywhere but to God for healing and restoration, then the pain will always come back. I have a 13-year track record of going to other things than Him, so this is going to take a lot of work.

5. In a related matter, I do not encourage my wife to spend time with God anymore because when she does, I feel a lot of shame. I feel this because I don't have that same desire to spend time with Him. And I have shame about that. But I'm angry at God. I easily forget how much He loves me and cares for me, and how awesome and worthy of my praise He is. Mostly I just see him as prideful and stubborn; as a control monger. I've taken my view of the Campus Crusade leadership of two years ago and projected it on God. In some ways, I've given up pursuing God's will in my life because I tend to think that God is going to do what ever the hell He wants without regard for my feelings, attitudes, and requests. I resent that. I don't feel like I matter to God.

6. I have shame about the things I think about God. How could I think such aweful things about the God who delivered me from a pornography addiction or the God who gave me such an amazing wife or the God who has blessed me with talent and a love for music or the God who CREATED music to begin with?!? The bible says that all of the good things in my life are from God. What makes me think I can resent Him? Lord, forgive me.