It's All About Me

I am becoming aware of the fact that I am very self-centered and selfish much of the time. I tend to look out for my own interests and believe that my time is more important than anyone else's. I can't tell if I've been this way all along and God is just now bring it to my attention or if maybe it is getting worse.
My mother recently wrote about narcissism being manifested in two ways - overt and covert:

There are those who construct a reality in which they are exalted at the center, and then there are those who construct a reality which ensures they are completely insignificant. Both are narcissistic. . .The deflated self has a sense of entitlement as well. The entitlement of reciprocity. They (we) have a complicated scheme for getting our needs and wants met, but they must be met indirectly. Asking for what we need, taking responsibility for our wants, is the ultimate shame. Instead we have a list of good behaviors that should merit attention. Subtle needy actions to arouse compassion.

While I usually can ask for what I need without much shame, the sense of entitlement is there. I think that most of the "selfless" acts that I've done for others were always and attempt to get others' attention, compassion and interest in me. As a result, I have put off doing most of those things because I realize that it almost never produces the expected returns.

So I have let myself become more overtly selfish. I have stopped giving my time away lavishly to those who want it. I seem much less willing to give it away to God, that's for sure. I've also stopped reserving judgment and am again engaged in a battle to prove myself right all of the time. Other than God, this affects my parents, my residents, my staff, and my friends.

I have become that college senior that I despised when I was a freshman and sophomore. The seniors I knew at that time were totally self-absorbed as if they were the most important beings ever. They stopped investing in people because they were going to graduate and had a big, bright future ahead of them. It was all they seemed to think about. Their lives were exciting and they let everyone know it.

I don't want to be that way. I realize that I have many options for my future and that the possibilities seem endless. But I am hearing from God to wait on his timing and provision. The future is all about Him anyway, and He is making me wait. Part of waiting is breaking the tunnel vision that I've acquired and throwing off my selfish ambitions for what He would have me do now, today. He's got the future under control. God is God and I am not. I pray He continues to hit me over the head with this one.