101 degrees

It's heating up here in Texas and it doesn't look to cool down for a while. I'm sure there are many other significant things on my mind that I could be talking about instead, but there you have it. I'm not riding my bike to work this week because last week I rode it while it was 96 degrees and 60% humidity (103 heat index) and I felt dizzy for a good 1/2 hour after I got home. And mind you, it was only a 10 minute ride. A crazy woman came into Office Depot the other day and told me that riding your bike to work is in vogue. I definitely felt in vogue with sweat coming from places I didn't know I could sweat.

I'm sure I've told most of you by phone, but for those whom I haven't: Dawn got a job! Dawn has been looking for different jobs for the last couple of years, and finding this job took 3 full months. She'll be starting work as a Service Representative at the Social Security Administration office on the 20th. She'll be working about a block away from Office Depot, where I work. It is a full-time, permanent position with great benefits that she will probably get to keep for a while as she attends graduate school at night. We're transitioning from that period where we had free time but no money to having money and no free time. Yay!?

A year in Texas

Today marks one full year since we moved to Texas. It was a Monday morning that we moved in, and by 8:30 it was already 85 degrees f outside. We were quite shell-shocked with our new marriage, coming down off our honeymoon, and trying to navigate an unfamiliar city where we knew no one and felt as though we were in an alien country. We had no jobs and lived off of our wedding money and Target Gift Cards for months. Dawn was looking for work as a teacher and had no idea how impossible that would be and how she would end up a UNT Masters in Counseling Student instead.

I thought that I would never find a church that I'd enjoy or friends who would last. I also had no idea what it would take to get my teacher certification and finish my masters or how much it would cost. I thought I knew a lot about marriage and that I would be extremely good at it. I considered myself an open and honest person who always dealt with problems head-on. I just had no clue.

This was one of the hardest, most stressful years of my life so far, but it has also been a time of great change, healing, and getting to see God work in our hearts in many ways. I am very thankful to be with Dawn and I wouldn't be anywhere today if it weren't for her and her solid faith in Christ. I love you, Dawn.

Otherwise, we had lots of fun in San Antonio for our anniversary. All of the pictures posted are from that trip from two weekends ago. I finally made it further south in Texas than downtown Dallas! We stayed on the Riverwalk and got to have lots of great food, shopping, tour the Alamo, and go to Sea World, too. Now it's back to work last week and this week. My part-time job at Office Depot is a full time one for the next several weeks while our sales skyrocket from back to school shopping, so I'm finding myself as busy as ever. Time to go pick up the laundry. C'ya soon!

and I love Daily Show

Another video today. This time, it's another installment of the Alberto Gonzales Spanish Soap Opera. Pretty funny. Interesting note: this video expires on 8/26/07. Good to know.



I promise I won't get in the habit of posting videos everyday instead of sharing my thoughts with you, but this week was just too busy. I realize that there are some people who only post other people's stuff and never their own. I am not one of those jerks.

Well, we're leaving on vacation this afternoon to celebrate our first wedding anniversary, but I'll be back on Monday. Have a great weekend!

I love cats

when in doubt, post a video

I am quite busy with school, work, and my inventory for Celebrate Recovery, which has left me with little time for blogging. What's my solution? Post someone else's stuff!

This time, feel free to enjoy ABC's 20/20 on school choice. They make a very compelling argument for a voucher system which would allow parents to choose which school, public or private, they would like to enroll their student in using a voucher for their child issued by the government. I'm learning about this out of a chapter in the textbook, Critical Issues in Education: Dialogues and Dialectics by Jack Nelson.

The first video is the shorter (9:40) version of the 20/20 episode. The latter (40:45) it worth a watch, and doesn't include any commercials!





I hope to blog my opinions in more depth sometime later. What do you think about it?

For your entertainment

Here's what could happen if you talk on your cell phone during a classical music performance. . .

hot and humid

Good morning, reader. I have a few minutes before I have to head to class, so I thought I'd say hello.

Things are going well for me at the moment. I've biked to work the last two times and its been quite an experience. It was raining every single day for the last several weeks here in Texas and now that that pattern has been broken, I feel like I'm living in a jungle. I bike just 1.3 miles over there, and in ten minutes I might as well have been rained on. I sweat that much. While it's true, I am out of shape, the heat and humidity is killing me. I biked home yesterday when the heat index was 102 degrees. I feel so tough. Yarrr. I guess it's an efficient workout because I am burning the maximum calories for the minimum workout time. :-)

I am really happy to be getting exercise and to have a fuller schedule again because I have so much energy now. I get to be around people all day (which, as a staunch extrovert, is a really good thing) and the exercise gets me moving faster. I tend to have a much higher self-esteem when I feel useful, too.

What else. . . Oh yeah, I was able to spend some time on a video conference the other night with my family. They placed their camera on the dining room table so I felt like I was sitting in the room with them. That was fantastic, except that it made me miss them even more. Lord, let me move back to where my family is where I'm not swimming in humidity. Amen.

Otherwise I haven't been spending much time on my recovery lately, which is not good. We are supposed to start our Fearless Moral Inventory and I would like to be at the point where I am journaling much more than I am. I guess that's part of adjusting to a new class and a new job.

That's all thats on my mind this morning. Today my activities include going to class, moving a friend, and going to work. Later.

Music teacher

I'm taking a break from studying for an assignment for my online class.

I spent some time this afternoon processing with Dawn about what being a music teacher could be like. I often wonder:

• What kind of band director will I be?
  
• How will I treat the students?
• Will they think I'm funny?
  
• Will they think I am really uncool?
• Is it possible to have the kind of instrumental music program that I'm hoping for or will I lose my sense of idealism after a couple of years?
• Can I be a better band director than the one I had in high school?
• Am I going to have time for family and church activities, or will I end up working my butt off and get burned out?
• Will it take me a while to get over looking stupid in front of a crowd?
• Do I have the confidence that it takes to teach?
• Will this be a career that I stick with for decades or will I only last a couple of years? The odds are not in my favor.
• Am I organized enough to do this job or will I fumble my way through and pray that students get something out of it?

I guess mostly I'm wondering, "do I have what it takes?" I will never know until I give it a shot. Most of my friends who have been in band or know anything about music think that I would do a really great job, and I don't necessarily think they are wrong. I'm starting to become eager at the chance to get in front of a classroom and really put to work all of my ideas. I have no doubt that it is much harder than it looks and it will be a while before I'm comfortable in the role.
Here are my predictions so far:

• What kind of band director will I be? Probably a lot like my high school band director, Mr. Cruse (pictured right), but less hard-working and perfectionistic about some things. Hopefully, I'll live a more well-rounded life than he. Mr. Cruse didn't have a wife or family and often spent 60-80 hours working per week.

• How will I treat the students? I will probably treat them with lots of respect and will try never to yell, shame, or guilt them into cooperation. The worst I imagine being towards them is a little passive-aggressive and unclear about my intentions.

• Will they think I'm funny? Sometimes.

• Will they think I am really uncool? Yes, but maybe that won't matter.

• Is it possible to have the kind of instrumental music program that I'm hoping for or will I loose my sense of idealism after a couple of years? A. I'm sure its possible, but I might lose some of my idealism. But, hey, a guy's gotta have goals, yes?
  

• Can I be a better band director than the one I had in high school? I think so.
  

• Am I going to have time for family and church activities, or will I end up working my butt off and get burned out? I think both might happen sometime in my career. The danger is making teaching an idol in my life. We'll have to see about this one.
  

• Will it take me a while to get over looking stupid in front of a crowd? Most definitely, but its good for me.

• Do I have the confidence that it takes to teach? Yes, I have a great education and lots of support.
  

• Will this be a career that I stick with for decades or will I only last a couple of years? The odds are not in my favor. I think that if the organization and time factors don't overwhelm me in the first couple of years, than I can imagine sticking with it for a long time.
  

• Am I organized enough to do this job or will I fumble my way through and pray that students get something out of it? Not sure.
  

I know God's got things under control in this area. The prospect of being a teacher is becoming more and more real, however, so my need to trust him is also more real these days. Thanks for reading. Time to go back to working on my assignment.

A quick note

I've been busy working five days a week for the first time in a while, so I'm trying to get used to it. Sorry about the lack of blog posts. I'm afraid that as I get busier, the blog will be the first thing to suffer. I have a class starting on Monday that will take up my mornings, too. Feel free to encourage me to write, though! :-)

My only points of interest lately is that I recommend that you never go outside in Texas without bug spray. I now have something like thirty mosquito bites on my legs...so much so that I can barely sleep at night. Bad times. Secondly, Ron Paul has gotten my attention as one of the only presidential candidates who seems to have a worthwhile foreign policy, in my opinion. Check out the video.

Thats all for now! Gotta go to work.

Literacy in music class?

I don't have time to write this morning because I have an assignment due today by midnight for my Content Area Reading online course. I thought it might be fun to post my prereading activity, for your enjoyment (or not). Please feel free to comment. My question to you is this: do any of these activities sound like they could actually be applied in the classroom?

PREREADING ACTIVITY

Before you read, write down 3 to 5 ways you can activate and assess the degree and accuracy of your students' prior knowledge on a topic specific to your discipline. Email the topic and the suggestions to your instructor.

1. As an introduction to a general music course: Consider this quote displayed on the wall of a prominent German opera house:

Bach gave us God's word.
Mozart gave us God's laughter.
Beethoven gave us God's fire.
God gave us music so that we might pray without words.

Give examples from what you already know about these composers for how these descriptions are accurate and why.

Example: Bach and God's word:

Low level of appreciation might be that Bach used text in his music that was taken from the bible.

Medium level of appreciation might be that Bach composed church masses, oratorios, and sacred cantatas.

High appreciation level would substantiate specifics such as how Bach wrote 300 cantatas containing Biblical text (in the vernacular) while in Leipzig, Germany, three masses, and two passion-oratorios which were similar to Italian opera, but with sacred text as the subject instead of secular.

2. In a concert band rehearsal after sight-reading a programmatic piece: This piece of music is programmatic, meaning that it was composed to illustrate, in musical terms, a specific storyline. Before I read the story to you, write down some ideas you have for what this story is about. Be specific; include measure numbers to correspond with your events.

Low level of appreciation for the piece might include a general description of the character of the piece and the mood with an event or two.

Medium level of appreciation for the piece could include more specific characters and situations, linking them to each section in the music, perhaps drawing a connection to real-life experiences or other literature of the time.

High level of appreciation for the piece would demonstrate a summary of the actual storyline for which the piece was composed and any other literary devices, the piece's general form, and some background knowledge of the composer.

3. Again in a concert band rehearsal, when learning a piece by Dimitri Shostakovich: Write down everything you already know about this composer. If you have no prior knowledge, feel free to speculate based on they way this piece sounds to you.

Low level of appreciation might include knowledge that Shostakovich was a twentieth-century, Russian composer.

Medium level of appreciation for Shostakovich might be that he wrote operas, symphonies (11), band repertoire, that he was born in 1906 and died in 1975, and that the general character of his pieces ranges from very cold and dark to funny and sarcastic.

High level of appreciation would be able to name several of his works and know a lot of biographical information such as his experience under Stalin and the Soviet regime in Russia and how it stifled Shostakovich's artistry because they forced him to write patriotic pieces under the threat of death.

New Webcam

Here is a video I made last night that didn't work right until this morning. Enjoy!



http://www.zefrank.com/theshow

Things I'm learning

I'd like to write about things I'm learning lately so that won't forget. I have been writing everything down in my journal and for once, I can remember why what someone said made me feel good.

For example, I went to The Refuge's The Walking Wounded seminar on Saturday morning. It involved having a conversation with 30-40 people and sharing good but mostly bad experiences in ministry together. They asked the questions, why am I here? is there someone to blame? how did I get here? when will I feel better? can I ever go back? where is God? and where do I go from here? There were several ideas which sparked my interest:

1. There is a confusion in many modern Evangelical churches of Community & Strategy. Churches get themselves into trouble because they often follow a corporate business model and end up valuing things like success, efficiency, productivity, growth, power, influence, control, money, titles, and on and on. They make goals which are to be achieved by people who they've either hired or who have volunteered. If these people work toward the goal, then they are valuable, but if they don't, they are a liability; dead-weight.

Karen (pseudonym) gave the example of her experience in senior leadership. The church didn't want community with Karen, they wanted a care pastor. They poured into her and cared about her as long as she fulfilled her role as a woman and as a care pastor. When she didn't fit into those roles they way they wanted, they ended what they called "community" with her. She was asked to leave, and quickly. This is clearly strategy, not community. Community is inefficient, unproductive, powerless (power is diffused), more communist than capitalist, a place where success can't easily be measured, where people are together because they want one thing, or similar things. This leads me to the next point I learned at The Walking Wounded, which includes two different models of community: Bounded Set and Center Set. I need to go to work, however, so I will have to write more about what I'm learning later. Thanks for reading!

New job

Today I start work at Office Depot. I turned in my application for them eight weeks ago and I'm finally ready to start work with them. I bought my light blue dress shirts, though I have some returns to make because I can never seem to remember my size.

I worked for Target summers and holiday seasons for five years and I'll bet technology has made what was an easy job even easier. What made the job a pain was the customers. Technology has probably made them feel like they should get everything even faster than before and made them feel even more entitled to getting what they want when they want it.

I'll probably do some cashier training today, figure out where the time clock is, get my employee discount card(!), use my employee discount card to buy stuff, and maybe figure out how the stockroom works. I also hope to get to know some co-workers and take their temperatures on what it is like to work at this Office Depot. The ones I've met so far seem happy to work there. Wish me luck.

Deadbeat

Yes, I'm still obsessed with technology. Here I am playing with my mother's new laptop webcam which is something in which I would now like to invest. The laptop, too.

I don't feel much like writing, thinking, or moving this morning. I suppose I'll have to journal about why that might be. It has helped tremendously to get thoughts down on paper, because they tend to stare back at me. I can't ignore them as easily.

We were visiting the family for the past several days and it was a blast. Otherwise, I don't have much to talk about. Slanderwoman has some great posts and pictures of us while we were there, and it turns out that Phil Keaggy has a free podcast. From what I've heard so far, it is a bit cheezy, but I suppose he always has been.

I'll be back soon, when I'm done being a deadbeat.

Coincidence?

I found this video to be extremely hilarious. Apparently lightning temporarily cut off Rudy Giuliani when responding to a question about his stance on abortion in the most recent Republican presidential debates. He is one of the only Republicans you'll ever see who is pro-choice.

Developments

Music: Symphony No. 2 by Johanannes Brahms

Mood: restless

Weight: 213 lbs, v. nice

Today's activities: blog, dishes, food shopping, laundry, Law in Order: Season 1, swimming, homegroup

Things are starting to get a little more exciting around here. The Lord is stirring up a lot of crud in our lives and I can tell that he's moving. I discovered yesterday at Celebrate Recovery that part of my recovery will involve learning how to do conflict with spiritual leaders and how to own my own stuff and deal with my own pride in an appropriate way. I think I screwed it up last time by letting it fester for too long, spreading my discontentment to others and trying to rally them to my side. I can tell that God really wants me to get it right this time. The reason I know is because the leader of my Saturday morning support group is totally screwing things up and making me feel really unsafe to share. I could go on and on about what I think he's doing wrong, but I'm trying to focus on my part.

I started my journal on Wednesday at my sponsor's recommendation. I've written in it at least twice every day since. It really makes a difference in my life as far as remaining present and actually dealing with my angst. So far, my potential journal topics include goals for recovery, things that tip my scale, things I'm grateful for, opportunities afforded to me as a result of my spiritual gifts, and childhood memories. I will probably go on to take an inventory on all of my relationships as well. The whole process gives me a lot of hope.

I really love my sponsor. He's a great listener and really easy trust. He had us over for dinner on Friday night and then we went to help supervise a sweet sixteen party for the daughter of a couple in his homegroup. It was fun. I talked to him about the 12-step leader and it looks like something might be done about it.

Meanwhile, our church is absorbing a church that is actually in my city, a mere 10 minutes away, and we've already received a general invitation to pray about getting involved here. Although the thought of it is still a bit terrifying, I can't say it feels entirely repulsive like it did six months ago. I'm tired of being bitter, mistrusting and prideful, I just want God to use me.

"The Great Sin"

An interesting thing happened the other day that made Dawn and I think. Our friends who lead homegroup are a lot of fun and are really great friends. They just aren't very practical sometimes. Often they wait until the day of homegroup to plan what we are going to do and what the meal should look like, and sometimes they don't plan it at all.

Now, Dawn and I pride ourselves heavily on being practical because that is something our parents highly value (it's all their fault!). Therefore, it is really easy for us to step in and ask questions that will lead our homegroup leaders to a decision about what we should do. We suggest ideas and try to influence the way they lead. In the process we tend to judge them, though. Then Dawn was convicted by this passage in 1 Corinthians 13. The first part is normally left out, but the second half is used in most weddings. I don't think they should leave the first part out:

If I speak in tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Dawn and I are gifted in a number of ways and we are really tempted to use them pridefully. It never occurred to me that God wouldn't want me to use my gifting if it got in the way of loving someone. In this case, that is certainly true. I've been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and chapter 8, titled "The Great Sin," is an incredible explanation of pride. Here are some of the key points:

There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which every one in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty of themselves. . . the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. . . Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people. But pride always means enmity - it is enmity. . .

Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive--is competitive by its very nature. . . Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others.

He goes on to talk about how pride is often the root of all other vices, and indeed, what made the devil the devil.

I suffer from this in a big way, and I think my pride has probably taken a large part in most of the difficult relationships I've had in the past, including those in ministry. This is something that God and I will have to work on very deeply before I will ever be a leader again. I can imagine being a band director and potentially enjoying "moving them about like toy soldiers," as C.S. Lewis said. I want power, I want respect, I want people to think that I'm smart and funny, I want people recognize my gifts, but 1 Corinthians says that if I don't have love, I am nothing. And pride is the opposite of love.

As one of my favorite comedians, Robin Williams, would say, "Let's get ready to HUMBLE!" No joke, though.

Journaling and vows

I am starting a journal for my recovery and my assignment among other things, is to write in it every time I'm upset about something. When I was in high school, I thought that as long as my negative feelings didn't receive credit, then maybe they didn't exist. I thought that as long as I didn't voice them and instead, focused on positive things, then they'd go away. This is what I thought "having a good attitude" was all about. I would also try to forget times where I was feeling negatively, and even lie so often about how I was feeling that I'd remember the lie as being truth. And as a coping technique, it worked for the time being.

The problem is that if I am to ever depend on God, I have to submit that stuff to him. He won't let me sweep it under the rug any longer. This morning I am really upset and I'm trying to get the strength to change. Instead of turning to computer games, TV, or some other kind of entertainment, I'm going to write it down. Wish me luck.

I remembered that some of you wanted a copy of our wedding vows. I've posted them below. I made some pretty tough promises and I've already broken many of them on several occasions. Especially the parts about confessing my shortcomings, being vulnerable, and always speaking truth. OK, time to journal.

Justin,

Because God loves us and gave up himself for our sake,
I promise, now and forever, to love, respect, and honor you
I promise to be faithful to you and loyal to you as my husband
I promise to give up my selfishness, because loving you is more important to me
I promise to be open and truthful with you and to accept God's grace and correction
I promise to let go of my pride and self-centered perspective
I promise to forgive you and let go of any hurt feelings and judgments
I promise to listen to you and never waste an opportunity to understand you better
I promise to care more about what God's will is for you than about my own life
I promise to seek God together with you, submitting to and following Him and no other
I bind myself with you and God together in this covenant, no matter the circumstance, for as long as I live.


Dawn,

I promise to love you with my body, my mind, my heart and my spirit.
I promise to honor you before myself with my words, my actions, my thoughts and my prayers.
I promise to draw out your beauty and and unpack your heart with my love.
I promise to listen to you, forgive you, and try to understand the way you experience life.
While I still have breath, I promise to pursue only you, my wife, never letting another come between us.
I promise to confess my short comings and be vulnerable to you, always speaking truth.
I promise to give up my selfishness, because loving you is more important to me.
I promise to declare Jesus my king, depending on his grace to do all of these things because I admit that I cannot do them without him.
I bind myself with you and God together in this covenant, no matter the circumstance, for as long as I live.

"Praise and Worship"

I've been very distracted during worship at The Village. I'm not sure if its me or them. It's probably me. Let me take you through what I'm thinking when standing there:

OK, first song. I can't get over how young the worship pastor looks. I know he's 28, but he could pass for 19. Interesting: he had the female vocalist sing this verse. It is in the same octave but for some reason it sounds higher. Funny how most of the men drop out when a woman leads. I bet it's because of of the timbre difference. That is probably why Castrotti were used in Italian opera so much in the late 17th century... Wow, this is way out of my singing range. Its too low if I take it down an octave, so let's try harmony. OK, that's not cool - the female vocalist is singing my tenor part, but up an octave. Now what should I sing? Clearly the text was never meant for this rhythm and chord setting. I have a degree in music, and I'm finding it hard to follow this guy. Looking around, there are several people who aren't singing and haven't sung the whole time, including the people behind me. I wonder why? Is it because they haven't been exposed to music growing up? Do they not know the words?

Maybe they don't like singing, so this part of the service is totally superfluous to them. Maybe they find that to be a very difficult venue to experience God. I mean, it isn't exactly a meditative environment. I can't help but wonder: what must it be like for someone who has never sung much in his life and never been to church to attend one of these services for the first time? Or even for the twentieth? It probably feels alien to them.

Plus, I am often singing words my heart does not necessarily agree with. I end up making a lot of lofty claims and promises about my desires for God that may just be a pack of lies. I guess my point is that sometimes it is hard to be honest with God in worship. I wish we would sing songs that had simple but pleasing melodies that were in a decent range with easy rhythms that weren't too syncopated. I wish we could sing songs with words that were not so extreme but simply spoke out of a heart that wants to experience God's love and peace and forgiveness. As I remember back on the most popular choruses in contemporary Christian worship, they were the most simple ones. They maybe had three to five words and were easy to harmonize.

Sometimes I wish that I could switch off my four semesters of aural skills training and my two semesters of theoretical part-writing and harmonization training. I wish I could stop evaluating musical performances and compositions and get to experience God more. I've felt the closest to God in the past through musical experiences I've had, so its tough when that is no longer happening.

Google game, etc.

Dawn forwarded me this really fun game this morning:

Rules: Google Game: Go to Google and type in quotation marks your name and then "likes to" (eg. "Georgina likes to"). Type in the first ten things that come up and repost in your own note.

1. Justin Likes To Say Hi.
2. Justin likes to do graffitis and Jonathan fully supports this.
3. Justin likes to watch basketball, but his favorite thing to do is swim.
4. Justin likes to write poetry and fix and build computers.
5. Justin likes to play soccer and swimming is his favorite summertime activity.
6. Justin likes to play with his rattles and vibrating toys.
7. Justin likes to go snowmobiling and they also go to Keystone, Colorado whenever they can to go snowboarding and skiing.
8. Justin likes to be busy and does not like sitting without anything to do.
9. Justin likes to play pool at his house with friends.

And my personal favorite:
10. Justin likes to color, draw, play outside, look for bugs (especially roly polies and lady bugs), and play video games on his Game Cube.

Also, I'm obsessed with weather. I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder and it was still dark outside at 7:00. I got up to open the blinds and saw the lightning and was quite excited. Of course, the first thing I did was log on to weather.com to look at the radar. I love watching the storm approaching and seeing its path. Or maybe I just love all the pretty colors. Anyway, I did all of this before taking my bath. Dawn noted that there are few things that will get me excited enough to do before I get clean in the morning. Lately it has been the weather and a finished Drum Corps DVD. I am a total dork, but at least my wife thinks I'm cool.